A million miles…

There’s this thing going round and round my head lately: he always knew you’d get here.

When Kiera died, he told me not to worry – that only good things could come from this.  I was so angry.  So hurt that someone could belittle my heartbreak and my confusion and my depression and my i-don’t-want-to-go-anywhere-or-see-anyone.  He said: Sheen, you’ll be fine.  Because you’re so strong and intelligent and better than this.

Well I wasn’t.  And I didn’t wanna be.  And I wanted to tell him to fuck right off because nothing could be stronger than this feeling of utter despair.  Nothing would ever be greater than my new found title of once-mommy.  And I now realize I was completely wrong and he was completely right.

Because although he’s a million miles away now, I’m a million miles away from that place.  Where I wanted to die and hide and run away.  I’m a million miles from regretting my daughter was born, a million miles from crying myself to sleep.  A million miles from never wanting to see, hear, touch or smell babies.  A million miles from being eighteen, scared and consumed with feeling alone. A million miles from being the only person like me.  A million miles from never belonging.  A million miles from doubting everything that my mouth verbalizes.

Because he knew.

He knew all along that I would grow, find my feet, follow my dreams.  And now that I have, I want to say that I am a million miles more than thankful he knew me so well.  Because, from recording me singing as a child into his stereo to now reading this blog and marveling at where I’ve arrived, I want you to know you were right, Oom Koobie.

You said that one day you’ll watch me fly.  I want you to know that day has come.

I love you.

I miss you.

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5 comments

  1. Rox says:

    Ah man, such a beautiful and bitter-sweet post chick!

    There’s nothing like that moment when you realise just how far you’re managed to come after being in that black hole… phew.

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