2015 in review

Every year I go back and read the previous year’s blog post summary where I talk about what happened and what I learnt and went through and felt and saw. This year when I read 2014’s summary, I smiled. Because I can just feel the high I ended that year on all over again. And this year, although it’s not necessarily ending on a high, I don’t think I’ve ever been as grateful in my life as I am these days.

It’s been exhausting and stressful and emotional and scary, but 2015 has to be the year that I lived. Even while on bedrest, I was conscious of my life and body and was more in the moment than I ever remember being. While pregnant I had the time at home to enjoy my body changing, feel the baby moving inside me, growing, responding to my voice. I was cognizant of having precious moments left with Jon before the baby came, to just be a couple and focus on each other and our wellbeing. I had time to prepare and we spent lovely hours in the nursery decorating and painting and hanging things up. With each little area in his room, I could visualise having a family and looking after our little boy. I placed things with the thought in mind of what it would be like to bend over the child, could it harm him, would he be safe, would he comfortable. I spent a lot of the time thinking about things, which in this age of technology and distractions, I don’t do very much if I’m honest. I spent a lot of 2015 just being.

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2015 was the year of Aiden. Aiden came into this world, and what an entrance it was. 4 hospital trips, 3 specialist doctors involved in my pregnancy and his delivery, 3weeks of NICU, 8 weeks of expressing, 6 weeks of prematurity, 34 weeks of pregnancy, 5 months of bed rest. And then he was here, and our whole world changed. We sometimes, even now that he’s six months old, take a few minutes just before we put Aiden to bed at night, holding our son in the middle of his room, rocking him to sleep, with Jon’s arms around us both. I close my eyes and thank everything, the universe, God, life – because being a part of this family unit is such a huge blessing for me and I’m so very grateful for it all.

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2015 was a year of family growth. I learnt through his actions and not just his words that my husband will stand by me through anything. I can rely on him in good times and bad, and no matter how much strain we put ourselves through, it just seems to bring us closer together. The man taught himself to cook almost anything while I couldn’t do a thing, he bathed me some nights, he rubbed cream on my feet, he massaged my legs and back, he brushed my hair. He did anything and everything I asked him to do while I was pregnant. I often joked that if he kept it up, I’d stay pregnant forever. And the Jewish blood in him came alive and roared “challenge accepted”.  I am so grateful for Jon, he really has made my life so special and enjoyable. He gave me my most precious son, this little dude has absolutely changed everything. To watch Aiden and his daddy is an honour and something that still gives me such a kick. He is an awesome dad, he is besotted with his son and his son has only eyes for his daddy if Jon is in the room. Falling in love with Jon as a man was one thing, but falling in love with him all over again as a father was something I never thought to expect.

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2015 was a year of change.  For one thing, we had to learn all about family life and what sacrifices we had to make. I miss movies on a Sunday, sure, and staying up late to chat in bed when the mood struck. I miss sleeping in on Saturdays and choosing to visit loud markets with booze and live bands. I miss having friends over and not secretly grimacing at their loud voices that might wake the baby. But I happily choose Aiden and this family life over all of that, a hundred times over. We moved into our new family home. And haven’t stopped hemorrhaging money since. We renovated, had the builder walk out on us with our pre-paid money (stupid mistake, that one) causing us to lose about a hundred grand. We have learnt all about plumbers and electricians and employing house staff and buying lawn mowers. I am learning how to look after succulents and replant things that don’t die 5 days later. Hell, I even water my own damn garden, that’s how domesticated I’ve become. Jon’s challenge has to be the pool. That wretched pool is his nemisis.  That pool was glistening and bright blue all through winter, and up until this week has not had one day of anything other than pond green in summer. Some more money was thrown at the problem, and we’ve had 3 days of blue pool again resulting in our first swim in the pool – hold thumbs it stays this way throughout the holidays please!

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2015 was a year of personal soul searching and finding my faith again. Years and years ago I used to write boldly about religion, or a lack thereof, I should say. And then I just stopped. At first because I was angry with God for taking Kiera, and then because life was too important being lived than to worry about praying to an invisible force I wasn’t even sure existed. And then I kind of just ignored the whole topic for a while. One night a while ago I woke up from a dream I can no longer remember and knew that I’d found my faith again. I won’t go into too much detail, because for me religion is a very private matter and should never have to be justified or explained to anyone. One thing I will say is that my religion has made me stronger, more at peace, more emotional and less cynical. I’ve found myself to be more patient and understanding and much calmer. And changing religions is something I never thought I’d ever do, but it’s happening. Because I want to share the same faith as my husband and our child, but still keep my heart open to what I’ve always known too. So it’ll be a new-age, contemporary approach to raising a Jewish boy and all that the faith brings, with Christian traditions thrown in. I did say to Jon that I love Christmas, Easter and bacon far too much to give it all up, have a heart. And he happily agreed because, in his own words, he also “believes in presents and chocolate”.

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2015 was a year of forgiveness. Forgiveness for myself, because I had to let a lot of anger and guilt around motherhood go. Forgiveness of others, because I’ve held on to a lot of resentment and anger with some that wasn’t doing our relationships any good at all. And forgiveness to the dude upstairs in the clouds, because I feel like by giving us Aiden, it was his way of apologising for taking Kiera.

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I don’t like to make New Year’s resolutions, but I think going forward I’d like to regain a little bit of our social life. As amazing as my friends have been, I feel like Jon and I have some catching up and pay-back to do. We need to go out more often and make a bigger effort with our friends. We need to get out of our comfort zone a bit and start going away again. 2016 needs to be the year of entertainment and positivity I think. A little less financial stress would be fab, please.  And a little more time with the people we love, thanks.

Happy end of the year, everyone. Here’s to many more!

PS: If you enjoyed this post, please do me a favour and click on the little button below, not that I’ll win anything. And neither will you, I suppose. Except the love and gratitude of an internet-award winning mommy blogger, and everyone knows how important and special that is:

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Photo credit: Jeanette Verster

6 comments

  1. Peter says:

    Love the blog my angel. You three deserve all the happiness and joys life brings you. Have an awesome festive season and the most amazing 2016.

  2. laurakim says:

    Our pool is Davids nemesis. He works for weeks and its bright blue for 24 hours and then on the 24h01 hour it is bright green again! It kills your soul a little!

    But it sounds like a good year :)) Lots of happiness and contentment

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