24
Is the world coming to an end? Crapture!
There are so many things going on lately, I’m almost convinced that it should mean something, like, serious. Tornados in America, floods in New Zealand, earthquakes in Japan, ash clouds every second week, mullets in Boksburg… I think God is trying to tell us something.
I’m not usually a paranoid person*, but lately I’m so overwhelmed with anxiety over the stupidest** things. Things like the following:
- Do I have cancer? I have a pain in my chest, under my left boob, that won’t go away. For four days now. It must be cancer.
- Am I pregnant? The morning sickness I’ve had for a month now is killing me. But I haven’t been late and don’t have any other symptoms, so I can’t be. Also, the timing would really suck. A lot. Crap. The timing would suck. So now I’m paranoid about the fact that because the timing sucks, I must be pregnant***. The girls laugh at me when I tell them this. According to Tam & Heidi, I’ve been crying wolf about being pregnant since they met me. I was told that they will not buy into my baking-a-kid paranoia until said kid actually pops out of my vagina. TOTALLY NOT CHOOSING THEM AS THE GODMOTHERS. Bitches. Who needs friends, right?
- Am I good enough? This is a worry that encompasses all things in life. Work, friendship, love, climbing a staircase… these things keep rearing their ugly head’s when I least want them to.
With all of that in mind, would I be completely ridiculous to have a tiny lashing of belief in the rapture rumours? Even though it’s now been postponed, I’m genuinely relieved. Because for one second on Saturday night, as it struck 6pm and I hadn’t burst into flames, I was grateful the world did not end before my very eyes, and instead I got to have lunch**** with my girls and the following conversation will be engraved in my heart always:
Heidi: “Well, bitches, if I could choose anyone to spend the last day on earth with, it would be… Bradley Cooper. Since he’s not here, I guess you two are okay.
Tam: “Fuck you guys, I had nothing better to do”.
* That is a lie.
** It is a real word, fuck you.
*** I am not pregnant, Mom. Don’t celebrate just yet.
**** “Lunch” consisted of a lot of alcohol and a melted tray of Woolies macaroni & cheese, flattened like a pancake.
16
Do you want to win a free hamper of free stuff for free? Cool, read on.
Remember last month I wrote about blisters from my shoe shopping spree? Well today after a full day’s strategy session, I got back to my desk and found a neat little hamper sitting on my desk from KIWI smilingfeet, how sweet?
The hamper consists of loads of little gel pads that you stick to the insides of your heels to protect your feet and make your sexy six inch stripper stilletos that much more wearable. Woohoo! I was so excited, I whipped off my heels and stuck gel pads in 7 different places in my shoes! My foot had to be squished back into the heels, but so what!
Now, aside from me planning on sticking them into Jon’s new sneakers next (just to see if the smilingfeet gel pads work on boys too), the dudes have agreed to let me spoil you guys too. SO.
What is the most awkward story you can share regarding feet? Comment here, I’ll pick 10 winners on Friday, and send your names to the PR agency so they can send you KIWI smilingfeet hampers too! And then we can all walk around with comfortable feet in super sexy stripper stiletto shoes!
9
On promotions
Jon’s 31st birthday is coming up. He is SO OLD! I remember seeing other people dating older men and thinking it was quite gross, but my older man? I love him quite a bit. More importantly, he gets the grey hairs, and I get his wisdom. At least, that’s how it works in my head.
So we (read: Jon, by himself, without giving in to my pressure) have decided that this year he won’t be having a birthday party. Instead we’ll have a quiet night in with pizza, board games and an experimental, but imminently brilliant red velvet cake from The Cupcake Lady.
I’ve also found theeee perfect birthday present for him, I’m so excited I keep having to stop myself from giving it to him a few weeks early. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS! SO MUCH! THEY ARE AWESOMEEEEE!
*Ahem*
So my hard work has paid off, I got a letter confirming my promotion at work. I’m beyond excited. It’s been a roller coaster ride, but I feel like things are finally paying off. Even though I’ve been acting in the role of head of social media for over a year, it’s nice to have validation on a letterhead. It’s also the first ever official letter I’ve received that didn’t
a) fire me
b) tell me to go to the principal’s office, or
c) state how much money I owed.
Hurrah!
I’m missing my mom something drastic. I wish I knew how awesome she was way back when I used to still live with her, cos then I could suck up those hours I wasted in front of a book, or on the beach with friends, or even listening to music and rather sit with her and talk shit and tease each other.
How was your mother’s day, everyone?
