30
Post by pictures.
Imported entertainment for the weekend, Neal visited from Cape Town. And proceeded to rape a mini bike.
- Supporting my boys playing paintball. They even showed me how to shoot shit. It was cool.
- Hangign out with these kids on the funny farm. We soak up the sun in the afternoons and I have four mini slaves, they can stay…
- Hanging out with Rick, my favourite giant.
- Spending time with this little guy. I’ve nicknamed him HowieD after the Backstreet Boy, what with his divaesque attitude to life. I’m still only feeding him carrots and loving him though.
- My bitches. Exmi and Goose. Love these chicks, they keep me sane.
22
Vot ees keeping you beezee I vonder…
There are some things worth writing about, and then there are some things that aren’t. I’ve grown bored of the latter and decided to focus on the former since my blog is so badly neglected and lonely looking these days. First up, relationships.
A couple of weeks ago I jokingly suggested to a male patient of ours that he and I should party it up while his missus went overseas. A big laugh was had by his wife and I in the waiting room and he quietly smiled as they left. Little did I know, I’d planted some evil little seed of doom, as exactly one week later, I answered a call at the office and it was this man, Wolfgang - asking me out to dinner. On a Friday night! Flabbergasted and utterly falling over my words, I managed to stumble out an excuse that I had plans with my (non-existant) boyfriend, Stew.
Trust me to dig myself into a hole because the very next words out of his mouth were “Oh, ov coss you are beezee – a bootifool young lass like you ov coss hef a boyfriend on Fridays, vot vos I theenkeeng? Vot about on Mondays? I pick you up in my nice fancy car, yes?
Errr, no. Buddy. I politely turned him down as I found I was very, very busy for the next week at least. I was delighted to hear from my boss’ boyfriend that there was a message left on my office cell phone saying something along the lines of the following:
My dearest Sheena,
I am greately saddened to heff yet to heard from you. Vot ees keeping you beezee I vonder – lets hope it ees not cold Winter nights alone, I em heppy to come keep you varm by the firelight, yes?
Returns my call at your peril.
Thees ees Volfgang by zee way.
He’s yet to cease calling or smsing and I’ve now handed it over to The Doc* to handle or I’m going to go batshit crazy all over his ass and do it in front of his poor, old wife too. What the hell man? I’m FORTY YEARS YOUNGER THAN HIM!
Last week, The Doc convinced me to help her tow a horse trailer. It was someone else’s and worth R100 000. I was nervous, what with not having much experience of driving big trucks and also, never having towed anything other than my own two feet.
Doc: But Sheena! You grew up camping for fuck sakes! You know more than me!
Me: Dude. I read books and played with boys while the other kids did all the hard labour – I know nothing except by association.
Doc: If your step dad heard you now he would turn in his grave.
Me: Well considering he’s still alive and outside of a grave I’m pretty sure its all good.
Doc: I’ll pay you a hundred bucks to tow this thing.
Me: Gimme the keys!
Well, I tried okay? I pushed, I pulled, I jumped on the horse trailor, I even got the ninety million year old neighbour to help me out but an hour and a half later and the thing bounced off the tow bar one metre up the driveway I officially gave up. Cue Doc’s BF’s home coming and I hear a knock on my door midway through a game of Guitar Hero with The Giant. Doc couldn’t hold in her giggles, gave me a warning look of magnificent proportions to keep cool and speak to the dude.
Silently, he takes my hand and directs me to the back of the truck, shines a torch onto the tow bar and raises an eyebrow whilst looking at me.
Me: What? Whaaaaat? I’m cold man – lemme go back inside, I can’t help it the stupid horse trailor thingie won’t work.
BF: Sheen. Look at the tow bar. It’s cover? Yeah, its still on. And now because you HAMMERED THE TRAILOR ONTO THE BAR, I have to cut it out.
Me: Oh em gee.
Things are going well. I’m still making myself known in a Bridget Jones like fashion, I’m still clumsy, I’m still home sick, I’m still loving my animal babies and I’m getting used to the farm even though sometimes all I really crave is city lights, alarms and sirens. And more than anything, my family and friends back home.
My birthday is coming up in 4 weeks too. Yayness. How you are?
21
Yes, that *is* my cat in a milk jug. I don’t know either…
Sheena Gates, NerdMag Editor. http://shebee.co.za / http://nerdmag.co.za. Sent from my BlackBerry.
17
Seriously. This is my foot up against Rick’s. Gentle giant ;)
Sheena Gates, NerdMag Editor. http://shebee.co.za / http://nerdmag.co.za. Sent from my BlackBerry.
14
Have I told you about my brother yet?
It’s only my brother who can get shot in the head twice, through the brain, through the jaw, through the chin, through the chest, through a lung, and still comfort us when we’re frantic at his bedside while he’s fighting for his life in ICU.
It’s only him who can make me, the girl who never cries, sob like a baby when he tells me that while lying on the ground after said shooting, his lungs collapsing and his chest cavity filling with blood so fast that it took every ounce of strength in him to just breathe, that he almost gave up. Until he saw each and every one of our faces in his mind and knew that he couldn’t.
It’s only Brandon who could teach himself to walk again after being paralysed completely on the right hand side of his body within a two month period. He started driving a month after that. And before he could do all of this? He wheeled himself into a dealership and bought a bloody quad bike. “For when I’m not a cripple anymore” he told me as I blocked out my mothers frantic screaming from the kitchen.
It’s only Baboo that could force himself to do so much more, push himself so much harder, teach himself things like eating by himself and walking and even how to make a cup of coffee, and still have the strength to squeeze my hand when I’m not looking and tell me he loves me.
He’s still booked off work until his fine motor skills are up to scratch (he battles with small things like his reflexes which could be super dangerous for his line of work) and he’s still doing physio daily, swimming every alternate day and riding his quad bike of monstrocity whenever he can with his friends and our brothers. He’s dealing. He’s healing. He’s getting over it and impressing me more than I could have ever hoped for or imagined.
It’s only my brother who can stand proud, four months to the day after being nearly killed, and pull faces in photos with me like he has done for the last 23 years.
From this:
To this:
In four months.
I’m so proud and so full of immense sibling love for this boy.
Robocop - bounces off bullets.
13
It’s in her eyes that I see me…
“I will never be like you!”
At the age of 16. I screamed it at her when she caught me sneaking around with my 24 year old boyfriend instead of being at school like I was supposed to be. I never thought it would come back to bite me in the arse so badly. I am exactly like her.
- I see it when I want to throw shoes at someone who chews loudly.
- I see it when I get emotional over silly things that the boys laugh about.
- I see it when Flea looks at me and tells me “Oh my god, you sound JUST like Gwen!”
- I see it when I become paranoid over the safety of others.
- I see it when I look at photos of the two of us.
- I see it when my brothers are horrified at my tone of voice in reprimanding them.
- I see it in my reaction to car guards.
- I see it in my dreams.
- I feel it in my heart.
I am exactly like her. And I’m beginning to be okay with it.
“Every night I go to bed and wish and pray for one thing: that you will have a daughter exactly like you! Then you’ll see how hard this is for me”
I never ever contemplated it until I stared into the eyes of my own daughter and wished and prayed that she turned out anything but. Although Kiera didn’t live long enough to learn defiance, I secretly hope she would’ve been more like me. Maybe I need a bit of my own medicine to repent for all the years I gave hell.
“I need you”
The words I’ve never had to utter. Because she always just knows.
- Like that time I was in a club and in trouble, she arrived and rushed me to hospital without me having to alert her.
- Or the time she called me after 3 weeks of not speaking to me, because she’d dreamt I was pregnant and I was.
- And on the day Brandon was shot how she fell apart a few minutes before the phone call that confirmed her fears were legit.
She always just knows.
“One day you will thank me”
And I do. I never did, but I do now. I thank her silently every day for being the person she is, having the patience she does, believing in me as much as I could hope for, wanting to be with me as often as it drives me mad, loving me no matter how many times I’ve let her down or disappointed her, being proud of the silly things I do and for sharing my love of words with those around her, bragging that it was her daughter who wrote them.
- Thank you for letting me be me, even though you disagree with most of my choices and despite almost always being right, you let me be me.
- Thank you for holding your tongue (mostly) when all I know you want to do is stick it out and sing “I told you so!”
- Thank you for giving me my siblings to love.
- Thank you for remembering Kiera as much as I do.
- Thank you for growing up with me.
- Thank you for letting me be the parent sometimes, even though I know you hate it.
- Thank you for always putting your children first even though we all try and half-heartedly encourage you to not.
- Thank you for changing your path and altering your history by not following example.
- Thank you for teaching me that no matter how old you are, or what everyone else says, it’s never to late to try again.
- Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with the world. It’s a better place for it.
“I miss you”
Something I’ve found myself saying so much more often than I’ve ever done in the past.
“Happy Birthday”
On 11 July a star was born. It was shiny, it was loud, it was prominant and it was my mommy. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to share your day, Mam. I love you so, so, so much.
And finally,
“My ribs are sore”
She knows why.
8
Comfortably Numb.
It was when I was standing in the aisle of the Spar this morning, staring at the rows and choices of diapers, that it struck me. I’m not who I was five years ago.
Five years ago, I’d been a NotMom for a year already. I was still lost. I was still angry at God, at other moms, at men, at shopping centres for having those huge aisles dedicated to baby goods that I couldn’t force myself to walk through.
Five years ago, I was still dreaming that my daughter was still alive and that someone, somewhere, was playing a very sick fucking joke on me. She was still in hospital some nights. At other times she’d been abducted by her day nurse. In most of those dreams I was always frantic, in every single one of those dreams, I’d wake up screaming.
Five years ago, I was in a very serious relationship with a boy that I lived with. He was talking marriage, I was talking getting through each day without wanting to drive myself off a bridge. We were an awesome combination. Not.
And now?
Now I’m the girl who couldn’t be bothered. With anything, really.
Now I’m the girl that declines social activities because I’m fully booked. But, the difference is, even though I’ve gone the polar opposite end of being a recluse, I find that I can still be in a room full of people, yet feel more lonely than ever.
It’s not that I’m having a bad day. It’s not even that I’m having a bad month. I’m having a bad fucking life, and it needs to change. I’ve been living here in Phlegmteng for nearly two months now, and I haven’t achieved anything that I wanted to personally.
So this blog post is all about kicking my own ass. Because although five years down the line I can actually walk down the baby aisles, it doesn’t make me feel any better because I know its only that I’ve taught myself to be numb. So very, very comfortably numb.
Every aspect of ME is lying in a puddle of “Meh!”. But to fix this, where in the hell am I meant to start?
3
So here are the answers ;)
Did you hear I have big tonsils? [true story] <- why, yes, I did hear. How’s that working out for you?
2. ExMi
right.
i have MANY questions. <- of course you do. I’m so surprised.
1. (name and shame) worst shag ever, and why. <- Probably a dude called Andrew. Sadly, Cath has blackmail on me that she won’t let me forget. She brings it up whenever I refuse to do anything her way. Why was he the worst? Because it was just sex. And not even the mind-blowing kind. Believe it or not, I am old fashioned and of the firm belief that I should actually like the person I allow inside my body.
2. last lie/bullshit story you told and why. <- Ah shit. I could get into so much kak answering this! Um, I mislead someone into thinking that something I did was
3. just how big *are* your boobs? <- Sigh. Before I was pregnant they were a normal sized 34 D. After I was pregnant they shot up to 36 DD sizes, depending on the make. Most manufacturers are naff and make that size too small, so when I do find a bra that fits well, I buy a milliontyseven of them in every colour.
4. am i ever going to get my black pinstripe blazer and brown dress back? <- your pin stripe? For shizzle. The dress? I dunno. I quite like it hey.
5. who, on the internets, would you shangalang with, given half a chance and a rohepnol? <- Seriously? Oh come on, how lame. Besides, what if I’ve already shtupped the ones I wanted to?
6. who’s your daddy? <- Your mother.
7. S, WCAM. <- SNORTFUCKINGCOPTER!
okay, so the last two aren’t technically questions, but whatever yo.
snortcopter.
5. wenchy
Would you do me? lol Sorry, first question that came to find after reading the delightful ExMi’s list <- Dude, I’d totally do you. Just as soon as I’ve accomplished my fantasy of doing the horizontal fandango with Lindsay Lohan.
6. Gina
Hmmmm, questions….
1. Do you own any adult toys? <- Not at the present, no.
2. What is the real colour of your hair? <- Brunette with a tinge of red that shines through in sunlight. I hardly ever dye my hair. In fact, before this year I hadn’t done it since I was 18.
3. Weirdest place you ever had sex? <- waterslide at Valley of the Waves in Sun City. You know you’re jealous.
Just to get the ball rolling… <- and roll it most certainly has!
7. cath
1. Do you really think my new shoes are odern? <- wah. I loves your shoes.
2. If you werent going to shit pooh, what would you shit? <- golden dusticles.
3. If there was one thing you wish you doesnt have to worry about again, what would it be? <- losing someone as special as you in my life. Awwwww.
4. How much more code speak could I throw into these questions, disguised as horrific grammar? <- I’m pretty sure everyone reading this right now is questioning your capability as a professional writer. heh
5. Did you know that i recently purchased an abundance of pens? <- oh em gee. So jealous!
6. When do you think Vodacom will sponsor me? <- right after MTN sponsors me of course.
7. How is the new kettle? <- Sob! Not nearly as interesting as our Fred kettle! It doesn’t even boil when I WANT it to, never mind when I don’t expect it to.
8. Have you had sex in your new place yet? <- Fuck. Not! How frikking depressing, right?
8. cath
oh and Sheena, as for ExMi’s question number 5, i have that confession on video
<- haha. Yeah, you do. Then again – you do have much more on me than most people.
9. Snappingturtle
1… What part of your body do you love the most? <- ohh. My eyelashes.
2… What part of your body do you dislike the most? <- my stomache
3… Which boy was your best bonk? And the worst? <- haha. Um. Wow. Hi, ex boyfriends now stalkers… I suggest you stop reading here. My best ever, ever? Jaun. Hands down.
4… When are you coming riding at @merylpixelmagic <- not sure hey. I’m still learning to not be scared of them equinimals when they’re just standing, nevermind when I’m on top of them.
10. Richard
I Really Need To Get Laid By A Donkey With A Big Penis ?? <- haha klonk. Incorrect.
11. Richard
I Really Need To Get Laid By A Dude With A Big Penis ? <- again with the spaces before question marks! Yuck!
12. Richard
Sex toys, yes / no ? <- Now, no.
Sexy time, yes / no ? Yes please.
Wildest fantasy !? Shooo. This seriously goes against my wishes, but a promise is a promise. I want to do crazy things with a man blindfolded on top of a waterfall.
Craziest thing you’ve done while being naked? <- Bloody hell, where was YOUR mind when you wrote these, Rick? Ummm. I totally assaulted someone in the middle of the night because I thought he was a robber. He wasn’t. I’d forgotten I’d hooked up with him.
Threesomes? Nah, I’m not a sharer.
13. angel
Whats your favouritist cocktail? <- pina colada, hands down.
Do you want a big classic wedding of your own one day? <- classic? Never. Insane and fun? Definitely. But the likelihood of me ever settling down is, at this stage, very slim.
Have you ever watched Stargate SG-1? <- waha. Yes, I nodded off.
What makes you squeamish? <- spit. Seriously. I’ll take blood and gore over snot and spit. Ewwww.
What’s your favourite appliance? <- Right now? Heater. In general, my GHD.
Whats your dream car? <- it used to be the new fuckoff GTI, but I’ve become quite partial to the Peugeot 206 GTI.
14. BlindCripple
Do you snore? Only when sick.
Do you know that for a fact? Yes.
On top or bottom? Sideways 
Hands or mouth… Both ways actually. Huh?
Do you have a favourite movie? Don’t laugh. Love Actually will always be *my* classic. But I am very partial to dark comedy, rip-offs like Scary Movie, Road Trip types and one or two shit-your-pants films.
Are you a screamer? Mmmmmaybe…
How many boys have you been in love with? Shew. I nearly died thinking you’d asked something else. I’ve loved 4 men in my life.
And how many have loved you? (that you know of) Oh jeeez man. 6?
Series: Entourage. The language alone will get you watching. <- shot!
And, lastly, does size matter? Wait, let me rephrase, do you like ‘em big? <- Oh my fuck, Neal! How the hell am I meant to answer that?! Yes. Show me one girl who doesn’t. But seriously, you could have the biggest tool in the county, it still wouldn’t impress me if you didn’t operate it compatibly with …my equipment.
And then, finally – Baldy asked me:
What does S, WCAM mean. Bastard.
So, okay. I’m absconding from my own rules. Purely because it doesn’t just involve me. Other people could be affected too, if this becomes public knowledge. Just know that it is a euphemism for something I did with Exmi, with remote involvement of Snowgoose and it was HILARIOUS. And took place in Rivonia, on a Saturday afternoon, with some intoxication and no scruples. Also, our eyes were running and our cheeks tear-stained from laughter. And it was illegal.
Very illegal.
But fuckoff funny. That’s all I’m saying.
2
A bit of this and that.
So, I was told that I am “unflatteringly forgetful” today. How awesome, thanks fucker – take a number and get in line of where all the other people in my life missed my sense of awesomeness and unique ability to conveniently misplace certain details I should remember but don’t because I’m TOO BUSY BEING AWESOME!
I’ve been watching a lot of Desperate Housewhores lately. It has begun to bore me, which makes me so sad. Also, after a friend boy pointed out that I am just like Susan the show kinda started losing its appeal. Either way – I have to finish the series, I’m OCD like that. On that note, however, this is an official call out to anyone in and nearby my area – I want to watch more series. Which ones do you recommend, and more importantly – can I pirate them from you?
In other news: FML.
And a random aside: IRNTGLBADWABP <- ten points to whoever guesses what that stands for.
Okay. So. In following ExMi’s pattern – I’ve decided to open up my life, since I blog so badly these days. You may ask me any question and I will answer honestly and as openly as possible. No question goes unaddressed.
That is all.
PS: I’m *REALLY* looking forward to having a friend visit me later this month for a weekend. I’m so excited it’s ridonkulous! July hurry the hell up already!
