For Cath and for me. Because we’re seeing one.

Even if it’s through shit and through smit.  Love you my twin.

Coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
Now my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress, now
Let me go

‘Cause I just can’t look
It’s killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I’m Mr. Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
(It was only a kiss)
It was only a kiss

Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go

‘Cause I just can’t look
It’s killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I’m Mr. Brightside

I never
I never
I never
I never
I never

Optimism

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

So, I might be let go at work.  For the second time in my 25th (eek!) year of life.  Our company is international and with this global crisis, we don’t have enough incoming … well, income, to warrant my position permanently.  Which sucks for me as I’m only on a fixed term contract and it expires in two days.  Awesome.

I’m looking at it as one of those “one door closes, another one opens” situations.  So, if you have anything in mind that I could possibly part of, please let me know.  I promise to not sexually harrass you or your boss. Okay, well maybe your boss.  You know how I love the ones in high places.  Oh hell, even in the low places.  Who am I kidding?  Especially the low places.

Anyway. So ja.  Social Media, marketing, writing, HR, PR, stuff like that okay?  Tell your friends.

Kthxbi!

I’m feeling very unloved…

why does no one comment anymore?

Is it because of Google Reader?

Is it because I’ve sold my soul to the devil named Cameron?

Is it because I’m black?

It’s because I’m black, isn’t it?

Racist bastards.  Die* in a fire.

* But only in the way where you come back** to life again.

** So that you can learn to comment*** here.

*** Lazy assholes****.

**** I’m kidding, I’m kidding*****.  I love you.

***** Leave a comment ffs!

Oh, ps:  guess who’s back?

*does a happy dance her favourite bloggeress is back, then trips on sneaky red handbag and falls to the floor in a gracious ladylike manner.  And snores.  Loudly.*

I was interviewed again. In my personal capacity this time.

Po interviewed me last week.  I first read the questions and thought “Eish.  This is gonna be a blast from the past”  and it was.  Little did I know how much I’d enjoy it though.  Thanks Poetjie, you rock honey.

Le Interview:

So, when you and boy-child Cam are married, how will you deal with the fact that women all over the world will orgasm involuntarily at the sound of his voice?

Well, see, when he lays eyes on my boobs me, he will be so supremely overwhelmed with the fact that he has an older woman interested in him that all his friends will be high-fiving him, as these kids do in high school, and his dad will be all proud and stuff, that he will have no option but to ignore those bitches.  Also, I plan on removing his right to speak to anyone other than me unless instructed.  Hee hee.  I joke.

If you could bee anything in the world, workwise or just beingwise, what would you choose to bee?

I would definitely make something permanent out of SheBee and write full time.  Invest in something comedic too, whether it be theatrical, lyrical or teeveecal.

If you could change something about yourself, what would it be?

I wouldn’t mind a bit more of the ability to make decisions without agonizing over everything a million times, inevitably wasting others and my own time.

How do you deal with pain?

SheBee does not feel pain due to the fact of consisting mostly of scrap metal, bullshit and brains.  When, on the very rare occasion, it does become painful, I mostly mope around my bed a lot until my friends force me to shower and glug cheap rose wine with them and watch stupid chick flicks until I am able to cry with laughter once more.

Would you tell us more about what happened the day you were rushed to the hospital after an overdose?

Sure.  Well.  I landed up in hospital because I was stoned out of my mind, obviously, and dumb enough to phone my mum at 2am in the morning for “a chat”.  She knew immediately something was wrong, flew over to the club I was at and after attacking both the doorman and the bartender, found out what I was on and took me through to Emergency.  Thank goodness because had I not been so stupid, I would have gone into cardiac arrest as they found traces of rattex and poison in my blood which would have surely killed my already comatosing fragile body.  The next day I hung out in the hospital on drips telling the nurses how I was made of elastic rubber and could bounce off walls.  A few days later, however, the full impact of what I had done hit home, my mom shipped me off to my biological father in Cape Town to sort me out and I never touched drugs again.  I did however date my father’s best friend at the time.  There was a 17 year age gap between us.  Jeebus I was horrific as a teenager!

What did you want to be when you were a kid?

Famous.

What gives you strength when things are really tough?

Seriously, the only thing that gets me through the day is that the next one can’t possibly be as bad.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.  One thing that does help is that I am stubborn to high hell and back and I will never quit.  So getting through tough times isn’t an option, it’s a must.  Or I’ve failed myself.

Did you get on well with your parents? Do you now?

My dad and I were estranged from when I was about 12 until that fateful Cape Town holiday.  Apart from the odd phone call, I didn’t really hear from him.  These days we’re very close emotionally but physically we are literally worlds apart with him being in Australia.

My mom and I have had a torrent relationship always.  We both love and hate fiercely.  She is, and always will be, my worst best friend.  So yes, we’re very close, sometimes too close, but I’ve always had the cool mom that all my friends loved and wanted, so I’m very grateful for that.

I was very lucky with my parents getting divorced, both of them chose fantastic remarriages.  I love my step parents just as much as my biological ones.  For different reasons.  Trace and Kev are a part of my family tree as much as my six siblings.  I adore my family.

What is your favourite food in all the world?

Italian food.  Hands down.  Pizza and pasta are the only things I can cook without failure, and if I go out its usually the first thing on the menu I look at.  My body hates me for it, but it makes me happy and that’s what counts, right?

Do you think of yourself as a strong person?

You can’t get to where I am at now without being some degree of “strong”.  I’ve lived to tell the tale of my daughter dying at seven months five years ago, a somewhat abusive childhood, my boyfriend dying, two job retrenchments, cancer scares, a lot of disappointment and about 8 house moves in the last year or two.  The only thing left on my “top stressful situations” plate to go through this life time is divorce.  So here’s hoping he’s a rich mofo and I get an awesome alimony.

Would you like to live in another country one day?

Honestly?  No.  I want to visit lots of places, sure, tour the world and all that.  But South Africa is where my heart’s at, I don’t see that changing any time soon.

gmail is down

omg. how do we survive? simultaneously I am waiting for;

- a reply from a cousin to see how his wedding went
- answers to an interview i conducted last night
- confirmation of something else
- a photo. of something of someone. ooh.
- i can’t fucken twitter without gmail man!
- tweetvisor is down too.
- wtf is going on with america? i know you’re claiming recession and blah blah, but please, i have shit to do. quit failing all your web servers already.
- screw the internet. I’m going home.

… fck. i don’t have a car.

How to make a SheBee want to strangle herself with a rusty belt strap:

1. Make her get dressed on ice cold tiles of her bedroom at 6am after an ice cold shower when there’s no hot water, on a cold day.
2. Watch as she decides to stand on her bed instead, away from the tiles, and simultaneously slam her head on the powered-on fan, trip over her towel and faceplant the pillows but not before slamming her hand into the very much iron made burglar bars over her bedroom window.
3. Laugh as she slips down the slippery wet stair case and lands on her bum right in front of her lift-club.
4. Stare in amazement, feel free to even let your mouth hang open, while her manager informs her AFTER THREE FUCKING WEEKS OF ASKING, that her employment contract may not be renewed due to the american recession and lack of business coming in.  The contract expires in one week.
5. Marvel with her, as she tackles her overgrown and desperately in need of a shave legs, with a razor that cuts her achilles tendon.  Try not to take over when she desperately tries to bandage it up with toilet paper, the only thing available until the housemates come home.
6. Try not scream in frustration when you notice how her bed has been marked yet, again, with kitteh wee.
7. Grab a towel and wipe down SheBee’s beloved late daughter’s framed pictures as they’ve been rained upon through the forgotten window which was not closed.

That’s all.  There were other things, but those are the high-lights that really make up my Monday.  It’s peachy, this life thing.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Please, for the love of peanut butter and jelly toasted marshmellows, tomorrow will be better.

Sundaze…

First off, lets get to the important bit:

Face of an angel.

Vote for Cameron by calling 086 2277702 or SMS “Cameron” to 34680.

I know he was a bit bland tonight, on stage.  But it was his first time and he’s also the youngest, give him some time darlings – Cameron will knock our socks off if we let him.  I’m certainly keen.  Cam needs support, and voting is open until 7pm tomorrow – so vote for him now, it’s only R2 per sms.  I will love you forever if you do.

Then, onto me.  My eyebrows are – there’s no other word for this – whoreiffic.  I look like a $2 hooker from Thailand.  Complete with a gangster gash on the left brow where the wax ripped out an entire chunk and left my bald a little bit.  I feel like walking around saying “Fuckywucky love you long time!”.  For the first time in my life I am grateful that my hair follicles sprout so quickly.  Honest.

Annnyway, it’s a Sunday night and I’m tired.  But this week is going to rock for us, readers, I just feel it.  Also it’s pay day.  Yay, me!  SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Why drinking and waxing is never a good idea if your mother is involved.

It was a sunny and warm day on The South Coast.  We were all chilling out at the pool like people do on sunny and warm days on The South Coast.  Ciders were flowing, my brother was a floating in the pool, Kev was fiddling with that horrible creepy-crawly thing… it was chilled, okay.

All of a sardine, out of nowhere my mother beckons me to follow her to The Salon she owns up the staircase. For those not in the know, sometime last year my mother dearest decided she wanted to quit her career of sales pitches and open up her own beauty salon.  From scratch she built up a beautiful little clinic and she’s become excellent at whichever treatment she gives out.  It wasn’t always like that though, and as the eldest daughter in the family, I was told that it is my duty to be a guinea pig when she wants to learn something new.  Some of you immediately swoon, right?  “FREE MASSAGES!  HOW DIVINE!  OOOH, NAIL TREATMENTS!” I’d imagine you crooning.

Not a fuck. Thus far, I have suffered:

• green hair
• burnt hair
• orange hair
• horrid hair cuts
• split ends from bad products
• “dehydrated sculp” (yeah, I know.  I hadn’t heard of it either til then)
• face break outs from too much of some or other essential oil
• stiff muscles from what was meant to be a relaxing indian muscle massage
• ingrown toenails from a pedicure gone wrong
• skin fungi from disagreeable products
• Bleeding from excessive waxing in one spot

Quite peturbed, my hair follicles stood aquiver in the anticipation of whichever “try-out” she hand in mind for me this time, as you can imagine.

Mom: Your eyebrows, darling, they’re looking positively neanderthal.

Me: I happen to like them right now, you know its a project of mine, doing my own shape Mom.

Mom: Yes but one can only stand by and watch in silence for so long, Sheena-Laura.  Now lay down on the bed.

…do I really have to even go any further than this?

The Before.  I was happily sitting on the grass with a drinkypoo, minding my own business.

The After.  I was unhappily not impressed.  Oh you can’t see anything funny looking?  Look closer at my right eyebrow.  Yep.

The Close Up.  So not impressed, my glasses were squiff.  Horrid, innit?

omgomgomgomg

1. am going away for the weekend. yay.
2. have majorly venomous mutated spider bite full of spit and poison and its made my the area around it purple and black.
3. Although I haz a headache, the meds for the above are WHORESOME.
4. I’m on radio tonight. Classic FM. http://www.classic.co.za/talk/the-internet-economy for streaming.
5. My hair has really grown. Wow. I straightened it last night and realised that if I’m sitting down it reaches my bum!
5. Friday FTW!
6. Feed a puppeh. here: http://www.barkingmad.co.za/
7. Aircon’ed office FTW!