If its yellow, let it mellow

If it’s yellow, let it mellow

Sweet Mary & Joseph, I’ve moved back in with my parents down on the South Coast.  It is quite surreal being back in my childhood bedroom.  I had the choice of my old flat downstairs, but the every five minute footsteps above me drove me quite insane within the first few hours of being back at home.  That and the fact that we have a house guest coming along whom I’d rather not share such close, in your face, space with. 

“If it’s yellow, let it mellow.
If it’s brown, flush it down.”
If I have to hear this trill one more time coming from my little brothers lips, I will scream.  Unfortunately for me, although I might have the best room in the house, its certainly not worth sharing a bathroom with a 10 year old. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that my parents are stuck in a time warp.  We have a gorgeous 5 bedroom home, with seperate laundry and pool entertainment area, a gigantic garden complete with real life monkeys and some blue headed lizzards, a house that could truly break into magazine fashion, if it weren’t for the biggie-best décor flair my mother has.  Lets not forget the decoparged remote holders, or the 100 year old grandfather desk amongst the brown leather suite set up.  I swear, this house has not been changed in 10 years!  Even the shower door in my bathroom is still broken from when, ahem, some persons unknown got jiggy under water.  I hear the certain male accomplice is, to this day, gay. 

Be that as it may, I’ve revamped the place!  Turrah!  I’d post pictures, but my mom is convinced that  “the internet freaks” will stalk her.  She should be so lucky! My room upstairs is worthy of Top Billing, take my word for it.

In other news, my mom is in big trouble with Wok:

Our family has a “tooth mouse fairy” tradition.  Wok lost a tooth.  He duly stuck it under his pillow, awaiting for monetary remuniration the very next day.
It was a silent night, in a land not far away, where the couple were in bed, where their heads lay. 
My mother felt a rappity-tap-tap up top her duvet.
“Kevin, wake up, there’s a something on me!” she hissed,
“Oh dolly, go to sleep – you’ve had too much wine” just before he turned his back on her after they’d kissed.

Oh alright, I’ll kill the poetry, I’m done anyway: 

Two minutes go by, and the rappity-tap-tap is back!  Mother bravely looks over the duvet and what does she see?  A big fat bloody mouse, thats what!  She throws back the linen half way through her blood curdling scream, which proceeds to awake my dear step daddy who jumps out of the bed, hair smeared in all directions, sleep still wedged in his eyeballs and tries to make sense of what the flipping hell is going on around him.  My mother is useless, just clutching her nightie and hopping from one foot to the other on the sofa in the room, and Wok has already run through to help fight “the baddies”. 

Eventually the rat is found, gripped by his tail and, in the pure adrenaline rush I’m told, smashed against the wall by Kev.  My mom is in hysterics, hands shaking and already on her way to the fridge to find a chilled glass of vino, I’m sure, to calm her nerves.  Kev is standing over the bed holding the poor little rodent while staring at it intensely as if waiting for telepathic communication as to why it was found on his bed and is now dead.
Soon enough, they turn around to the sound of snivelling and find my baby brother in tears.  “It’s okay, Wokkie, its gone now, you don’t have to be worried”.

“Bbbut Mommy!  You’ve gone and killed the tooth mouse fairy!”

Health, wealth and a lobster like tan – here’s an update on me!

So. It’s been a while. I know by now you all think I’m being all mysterious and quiet on purpose but actually, you’d be wrong.

There’s been so much going on, this real life stuff is pretty hectic, hey? Let me list for you what I’m talking about here:

1. The Berg was amazing and exactly what I needed – a place in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the black swans and ducks to listen to me screaming inside my head. I did some writing that amazed even me. This blook* is coming on very nicely, let me tell you. I’ve done a few chapters that made me cry, laugh and cringe all at the same time. The girls were fabulous, and drove me nuts. I went hiking, watched a raptor falcon show and drove the four and a half hours home chatting to Andrew’s friend Jax on the phone, all the while sporting a very sexy lobster-like sunburn. Noice.
2. I’ve acquired insomnia. It’s fucking annoying, yo. Thank god for DSTV though and Girls of the Playhouse Mansion. Kendra rocks my world with her stupidity. Her boobs are nice too. With this insomnia comes migraines that cannot be gotten rid of if I had to stand on my head and blow blue bubbles out of my bum. Just yesterday I vomited from them thrice. All over my shiny bathroom floor. Delightful, no? Solution? Go to doctor many times which costs more money than I care to spend, but proves worthwhile as he has a sexy Greek ass to perv at, and even held my hand while comforting me after he says it might be possible I have a brain tumor. Yup, that’s right. Says it could be from the day Andrew died and I went horse riding and fell off and got concussion and amnesia for those frightful ten minutes.  Lovely. Not only am I in love with a dead guy, but he causes me to get a maybe tumour. What an asshole. But hey, I’m strong like Russia, and a bull, and maybe even like the leaning tower of Piza, so lets not get too stressed just yet, okay? Fanks. I’m going for a cat scan tomorrow so for those of you who pray, do your holding hand, kneeling in front of the idol, squeezing your beads while saying 10 hail mary’s thang, and for the rest of us – lets cross all appendages please.
3. Had dinner with my momma which was entertaining to say the least. She bored entertained the waiter (named “Tender Care” {TC for short}) for twenty minutes by telling how many ankle biters she’s pushed out of her vajayjay in the last 23 years. Then starts crying as I’m pointed to and tells poor Tender Care that I nearly doid when I was born with a hole in my heart, and now might have “a worm in my (her) head that could cause me to fall over stone dead”. Shot, Mom. Love you lots too. Then, to really put the cherry ontop of the cake, David the Car guard gets all her change plus a R50 note just because she’s known him since “ABSA days fifteen years ago, Sheena-Laura, he started out selling koeksisters, you know.” (My, how far he’s come, thinks I). Good news is that my dinner was a class act, and they even got the steak perfect, which is a feat for such a fussy eater like me.
4. I’m leaving for Australia. Yup, the rumours are true. I am a soon to be expat for an indefinite period of time. I’m not too keen to come back to the country only to start all over again with nothing, so until something amazing comes my way – I’ll be a cork hat yielding immigration nightmare all the way over in the land of Oz. My time line looks to be departing in the beginning of March which suits me right down to the earthy ground as I plan to do sweet bugger all until then, except for maybe sucking the last bit of summer into my lily white legs. As Kimbo said, it seems like my lower half doesn’t belong to the rest of my body after last weeks impromptu tan. Woes me.
5. I was asked out by a guy I’ve had my eye on for years. I said no. What is wrong with me?  Seriously, my Asexual joke was only said in jest, honest, but now it seems like I have no desire to be loved, or love anyone else. I don’t have enough room in my tiny conceited heart, I think.
6. This is turning into a rant post, so I’ll stop here. It also smells like a rat died and went to heaven in this office. I’m going to do some catching up on all of you as soon as possible. I’m dying to hear the latest, so you better make it good!

In the words of fabulous Ms. Kabintsimbi,

Over and Out.

* Blog/book combo that I’m doing. If you don’t know what I’m on about you must live under a rock – must suck to be you.

Omigod I disappeared AGAIN!

I’m fucking fuming.  I had such a long and lovely post here telling you whats been going on, the wordpress ate it and its being digested in its siff and disgusting stomach by now

Just know, for now, that I am alive and well.  Update to come when I’ve stopped screaming inside my head.

Having internet connection problems, but will be sorteed soon, honest.  Don’t forget me, please!

I miss you all.

PS:  Just because I am me, I will shamelessly remind you all that the blog awards opened up today.  YAY!  Go vote everyone, and it doesn’t even have to be me you vote for – lets make one of us famous!

Someone is stealing my blog posts!

Yes, really. I am so pissed about it. I’m not actually sure if this is allowed. Can anyone tell me? I do receive link backs, and on the blog it does state clearly who (ME!) wrote the article, but this blog seems to be created solely for the purpose of publishing others work! I’ve tried to leave a comment on one of my stolen posts, but the blog only allows members to participate, which already makes my neck hairs stand on end. This is what I wanted to say, so listen up you lurker, stealer person:

In my blog there is a copyright notice. Scroll down to the bottom of this page if you are in doubt.  Please adhere to it in future, as publishing my work without permission is a crime.  Unless I have been contacted requesting authorisation, I will not agree to you republishing my writing without permission.  Thank you kindly for your understanding.

It seems wrong to me somehow, what do you think, oh wise readers? Please let me know what the standard protocol is, because I don’t want to have a bitch fit if this is actually allowed, if it isn’t, and this blogger is a stealing little boob zit, I’ll just have an arse collapse.

In other news, I am thoroughly enjoying my escape to the Berg with the girls. Kimbo and Shan have joined Tiff and I – it has been fabulous dahhhling. We have our own dam in front of the chalet, complete with two pairs of rare* black swans who swim gracefully around the murky water while I sip my morning java and inhale a nicotine stick or three.

This hotel is also amazing because while we dine over supper at night, house elves magically clean up the chalet and turn down the beds and leave chocolates on the pillows! How cool is that shit?!

Australia news to come soon, Amyloo, I promise! I’m just waiting for news from the Visa people and I’ll spill the beans.

* Rare, as in unusually seen, not rare as in raw meat.  But you knew that, didn’t you?

Monday 20Q…with Nic Harry!

Nic Harry is an all round nice guy. I’ve suspected this for a while, but having a chat with him late on a Sunday night just confirmed my usually accurate summations of people. Although quite apprehensive of offending anyone of my readers, he came across as relaxed, funny & very down to earth.

I’m sorry to report that the dude is involved, ladies. How sad for all of us, but I’m sure one day when we look back we’ll remember that he deserves his wonder woman, even if its not me.

Nic happens to be the master mind behind SA Rocks, which is a Virgin Money sponsored site. The idea behind it is to promote our country with positivity and not focus on the bad which is quite rare these days. Nic is a fellow blogger, writer & journalist and if you read further down below you will see that he’s lucky enough to be living his dream.

So, Nicholas Haralambous.
Yes, that’s me
Please state your full ID number and credit card details. Haha, kidding.
Hahahaha, ja, you’re lucky, because I know people!
Oooh – I am terrified.
Nah, don’t be, they’re all geeks.
But you aren’t a geek are you? Do you wear glasses? Oh wait, you do!
Yes. I wear glasses, have since I was about 7 or so. Does that make me a geek? I think it might.
I do too. So I guess that makes me a geekess. Where in Jozi are you?
I’m in Sandton. Is it safe to release that sort of info these days?
Well. Come now. My readers are lovely. I would trust them with my ID number (in another life time, scaly assholes!)
hahahahaha! That’s what they all say.
How long have you officially been a pro blogger for?
PRO-blogger… I’m not sure that I am one.
Well. You’re pretty out there, aren’t you. I see your face all over.
You do? Really? Where?
Hahaha. I know people.
Touche! Ok well lets see: I started blogging in 2005 sometime. I’ve had various blogs, websites, projects, jobs and the like. I recently settled on nicharalambous.com and sarocks.co.za as my main two are my main focuses. Blogging has also become part of my dayjob, so that’s a plus
Are you enjoying the attention sarocks has been given the last few months?
Um, at the moment that’s a tough question. I love being in SA, I love the country and I love being a part of the project, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes it’s tough to be 100% positive all the time. I needed a tough week to reevaluate my position I think, and make the same tough decisions.
And did you get it right?
Yes, I think I’m getting it right…for me. That’s the important part, I think.

Alright, onto the very important questions, put your thinking hat on.
Hit me.
Your shoe size?
Hahahaha, 9.5
Do you do back rubs?
I like to receive them but I do enjoy dishing them out I suppose.
Bloody men! Are you in a relationship?
Yes, I am.
Brilliant, whats her phone number (so we can warn her)?
Warn her? Listen if you want dirt, you’d probably need to go to her over anyone else!
Weirdest job you’ve ever heard of?
Well, I watch Dirty Jobs on Discovery so there have been some stinkers in there. Cheese maker was a weird one.
Hmm. I once read up on a dude who fixed dead peoples hair in preperation for funerals, can’t beat that!
I dunno, I think you could if you had the time, you and I don’t though.
Whats your biggest fear?
Failure.
Do you know your HIV status?
Yes.

Good for you! Your weirdest medical problem ever?

Interesting story: Planters wart on my foot that was eventually healed by my great grandmother who allegedly had powers to heal. She did an ancient greek remedy and chant and I woke up with a healed foot after months and months of conventional treatment. Go figure.
Wow! That must be quite handy.
Well, not anymore. She passed away a few years back.
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. My grannies are both dead too. Which one blogger do you read daily?
One?! I subscribe to and read close on 200 blogs from all over so that’s a tough one. Ok help me out, local or international?
Local of course.
CherryFlava is a favourite of mine for sure.
Your best friends nick name?
I can’t actually give you that, I will offend people.
Nic, clearly you don’t read me often enough if you’re worried about offending people.
No, This is offensive, according to law, trust me.
If I could give you a goodie bag with 5 items in it, what would they be?
Okay, let’s see: iPhone. Wait, how big is the bag?
It’s as big as you need it to be
So, we have an iPhone, a house, an Audi A3, a sixpack (stomach – not beer) and a years worth of flights to anywhere in the world!
That’s quite the pretentious list, dahhhling.
I know, but I have almost everything else in my life – love, friends, happiness… so im starting on to the materialistic things now.
Growing up, what is the naughtiest thing you ever did?
Wow, that’s an unfortunate question. I was never that kid, I was always the "over achiever". Sad, but true.
Your mom must have been so proud. Your love life as a kid – any heart breaks?
A few, yes. You say kid, but you do realise I am still a kid, hey? I feel like a kid and i love that. I’m a big kid with a few small growed-up-problems.
What star sign are you and do you ever match up to it?
Taurus, and I don’t even know what that means.
Okay, clearly your star sign doesn’t make sense to you then?
Not much, I control what I’m like, not the stars.
Fantastic, I have the same outlook star signs are for hippies with long leg hairs.
Hahahaha, there you go pissing folk off as usual. How many readers do you have again?
Yesterday’s count was 2900. Oopsie.

Final question: What did you want to be growing up?
Since the age of 6, I’ve wanted to be what I am, a Journalist. I knew what I wanted, I moved towards it and at 23 achieved it.

So there you have it. How to be 23 and rocking as a South African, Nic Harry style. Thanks for participating, Nic. Don’t forget the little people (I’m talking about me here) when you’re famous!

I’ve dined with a butt-ugly bat!

Today was a fantastically tiring journey of travel.  The drive up to the Drakensberg was long, and I mean LONG.  The roads were windy, potholed, cow riddled and schoolkid filled.  I was SO relieved to finally arrive at the Champagne Castle.  It is breath taking here. 

During the 5 course dinner tonight, Tiff laughed her ass off when I was nearly attacked by a bat in the dining room.  I, of course, handled it with all my lady-like might.  NOT.  I screamed, swore loudly and almost dived under the table.  The granny at the next table’s eyes nearly popped out when she overheard my reaction.  I shamefully ate the rest of my dinner in silence, after going outside for a small smoke break.

Will be taking photo’s tomorrow to be posted here.  Make up and fancy clothes not included, batteries sold seperately, so don’t expect much. 

Right now I am typing this while sitting on the veranda watching a spectacular thunder storm over the mountain.  It is raining so hard I can’t even hear myself think.  I love rain and thunder storms. 

Thats it from me, I have a life to live, and its a Friday night – lemme get on with my girls weekend.  I’m dying for the massage I have booked for tomorrow.  Might just make it a full body with happy ending if its a sexy Korean dude.  Only teasing.