Quality, not quantity…

Ed and I were chatting, and some how I ended up bringing up this link for him. I’ve just re read it, and would like to officially admit to being insane. Have a read, I laughed at my own self even.

Mar 29, 2007, 16:32
I heard a theory once, and tried to put it into practice…

I think it came from a movie or something, but one of my brothers explained it to me when i had decided to live again. I had a chat with him and explained all about how it was time to get myself a man and relearn all about relationships and commitment…

So he tells me there is a plan of action every human on earth needs to take when thinking along the lines of my most recent dumbest idea ever, to start a relationship you need to get a plant. If u can commit yourself and make it live by being a tree hugging plant grower, you are ready for a relationship.

I tried this out, and here is my version of his theory:

1. Buy a plant.

The plant step is kinda self efficient in its own right. Doesnt require much attention, talk back or expect you to play with it. All you need to do is feed it water, put it out in the sun and let it grow.

After 3 weeks if your plant is still green, you’ve done something right. 3 weeks is long enough to tell if the plant will die. Trust me, I know this. I repeated step one 4 times. Just remember not to drown the fucker like i kept doing! After 3 weeks, you still see greeness and life? Take a look at putting no. 2 into action.

2. Get a dog.

Your dog will love you unconditionally, even when you walk around the house naked and he sees all your cellulite. This gives you self confidence, teaches you how to accept compliments, you will care for and love again, and you’ll eventually learn how to have bedroom manners, because if you do carry on legs spread making a bed angel while dreaming, snoring with your mouth wide open letting all the drool run down your pillow, your dog WILL lick it off and then probably curl up on your chest. Which makes things pretty stuffy and funky smelling.

If after a couple of weeks your dogs ribs are not visible, he has a shiny coat and still wags his tail at you when your car arrives home, you may now resume to step 3.

3. Obtain a Partner.

Believe it or not, this is actually easier than step 1 or 2. Although you do use the same method as step 2.

The trick is getting a quality partner. Any Tina, Jane or Sally can get just any guy… its only the Veronica’s or Julia’s that can manage finding a QUALITY guy.. Your biggest mission in life right now is becoming a Veronica or Julia. Don’t even let that oke in the corner of the bar come near you. Chances are if he’s alone wearing an oddball hat and funny jumpers – he’s a freak. My guess is he likes to watch you spank the monkey on his mates uncles brothers wifes cousin. STAY. AWAY. from the corner dwellers! Quality okes usually hang out in coffee shops sitting in front of their laptops, or walk their dogs on a lazy sunday afternoon on the beach, or the guy playing with the puppies in the shopping centre pet shop while waiting for his Mommy to finish window shopping. Those are the ones to look out for.

Now once you find your quality oke, the easy part should kick in. Feed him his favourite meal once a week in between take out and pizza so his ribs are not visible. You could check this by making him lift his arms up & if he doesnt fall through his asshole, you’re making a good enough effort. Supply him with copious amounts of time to bond with his ps2. A man is happy and obliging when you allow him this one small treat and sacrifice. It will also ensure that his tail wags when you need it to (you know which one I’m talking about, yes, that one – the one eyed custard chucker). This works for both of you, he’s happy to stay at home and get square eyes while you get to go shopping with the girls. Or with your token gay friend. (Did you know they make the best shopping partners? I love taking Leon with me, he is borderline bitchy in his honesty, but you know you’re gonna walk out with the best choices).

Step 4. Hope like hell your Quality guy doesn’t share the same tastes as some of my ex boyfriends had:

- Bums, particularily, male bums
- A foot fetish. That can get pretty annoying. Some girls just dont like having their toes licked and sucked into oblivion. (Yeah, that relationship lasted four days…)
- A taste for alcohol. And lots of it. Even at 9am on a Tuesday while you are working. Your booze cabinet WILL take a beating
- If you fall pregnant, UNFUCKINGPLANNED YOU SHITHEAD, he might decide to pull a houdini trick on you and disappear miraculously
- Develope an unusual fondness of your girlfriends.

If your man does share any resemblance of these traits, take my theory and shove it his arse, two doors to the left.

test

Right.  So.

WordPress.  How bout that?  

Here I am.  There you are.  Lets make this simple, pimple.  You don’t crash on me, I won’t neglect you.  Deal?

In the meantime, you should know there is another – her name is Blogspot, and eventually I will probably ask you for a threesome.  I hope you are open minded like that.  Here are her goods, should you wish to check her out in the meantime.

Ok.  I’ll check in on you later.

Mhhhh

Not much to say really.

Have a shit load of things to do this weekend. I would like to thank glugs and a lady by the name of Elise, who spammed my hotmail last night with their online conversation haha.

Have a good safe weekend everyone.

Oh yes – there is a new poll available. Just look over there —————>

PS: anon – yes, I will find a happy loving home for my animal babies. That goes without saying.

A hovercraft stole my sense of humour – call the Po-po!

So. I’m fighting tooth and nail to keep my sense of humour in working order. I still have my moments, but they are out weighed by the fleeting thoughts of ‘Oh my gawwwd, I am jobless! I shall have no bed to sleep in, I am going to lose my animals, no one will love them like I do, I am going to live in a fucking card board box if I don’t figure out what to do, like, soon!‘

It is at this point in time where I would like to thank all of you for your reassurance, and offers, some wild and some genuine. I have a few options so far, actually. My head is full of ideas and scenarios and dread and excitement.

One thing is for certain, I have really come to appreciate my blog and all the people who live in it with me. Without you guys I would be really going insane. So, thank you. For the laughs, the links, the suggestions, the sympathy and for the companionship, basically.

At the moment it looks like I will be going to Cape Town for a much needed break, but also to meet up with Richard, who many of you doubt. Take it from me, he is a cool dude. And a very good friend. We are throwing around a few ideas and will chuck out suggestions and bounce them around. I’m hoping to just have some time with someone who understands my passion for writing, blogging and commiserates with the fact that I’m not too keen to get stuck in another office job here on the south coast. More importantly, I am hoping to have fun. With him. By myself. I need a break from normality and Richard is offering me that. Plus the fact that he is extending his generosity to just let me be me, no strings attached.

I feel the need to explain this out loud. For a few reasons. Mainly, because I feel guilty that I have decided to move on with my life so shortly after Andrew died. It isn’t a way to find a new boyfriend, but the fact that I’m going to stay with another male would have been enough to upset him. Especially Richard, whom he admired so much with a touch of jealousy in the way that we had become such firm friends so quickly. I made Andrew work, you see. Richard didn’t have to, we just clicked immediately. Andrew was tested, tried and eventually found guilty of stealing my heart. Only when I finally stopped mistrusting his ability to finish my sentences did I relax with him. See the difference?

Pity the fucker had to go and die on me straight afterwards though. Asshole. I’m still not speaking to him, I’m angry. Maybe one day I will make peace with his spirit. In the meantime, I’m hanging onto what we had. With sadness, anger and very much affection for the man he would have been in my life.

Sorry. Got a bit distracted there. Anyway. So, I’m going to Cape Town. Maybe for good, maybe not. I’m still doing the visa and passport thing, just to see how it pans out. Either way, right now I know I need to get out of this place. As much as my heart is in conflict about it, the universe (Amy – my hippie friend – you are going to love this bit) the universe is telling me I need to have a change of scenary. I’m not meant to be here, and I know this with every fibre of my being.

Thats it for now. You now know where my head is at, what my future plans possibly could be, and I hope that I didn’t confuse you too much trying to explain it all to you. Lord alone knows how confused about this situation I am already. I don’t need you darlings to make it worse for me by not understanding either.

Aside: My shoutbox is not visible to me on the blog, is anyone else having issues seeing it?

ELO – Lights go down

Elo – The Lights Go Down Lyrics
One day
I gotta get out of here
I gotta make everything clear
I gotta see you, oh, oh.

I know
The way that I feel is wrong, so wrong
But I gotta carry on
When you ain’t around.

CHORUS:

I believe things are going wrong
And the night goes on and on
All your dreams have flown away
And the sun won’t shine today.
The lights go down (I want you, baby)
The lights go down (I need you, baby)

The lights go down
And there’s no one around.

I know
You’re waiting so close to me
But how will you ever see
As time rolls away?
Lonely
But trying to be so proud

And just as I turn around
The lights go down.

REPEAT CHORUS:

The lights go down (I want you, baby)
The lights go down (I need you, baby)
The lights go down
And there’s no one around…

God this song! It is doing wonders for my soul right now. Richard is right, I love music when I’m down. Am loving the links, btw – keep ‘em coming! In the mean time, here is a video to my soul.

Am feeling better guys. I’m not about to end my life – am far too fabulous for this world of ours

Highlights of this 2007

1. Employment of brilliant job, earning lots of moolla
2. Purchase of my very own first car
3. Move into my own little abode
4. Adoption of my animal babies
5. Independance gained
6. Have nervous breakdown and cry in a shrinks office weekly
7. Find Boyfriend of dreams that were made
8. Book for drivers license, finally
9. Fail Drivers license
10. Boyfriend dies two days before scheduled weekend of quality time
11. Get retrenched
12. Contemplate selling home, car, underwear – for a ticket to somewhere very far away where I can be let alone and not be hurt anymore

Does anyone see a pattern here? Every time something good happens, something bad comes along to fuck it up worse than ever before.

I hereby wish for no more good. Bad is constant and at least I can’t be hurt by what I never had and lost.

I’m feeling very sorry for myself today. Woes Me. Life is shit. Fuck you life! I’m bigger than you, at least I am guaranteed one thing, and that is the eventuality of death. That’s the only thing we can really be certain about, isn’t it? How sad and abysmal.

Work Issues

Right. Erm. *Head is swimming in a cloud of smoke and haze*

Okay, breath caught, lets get on with it:

I have just been given three months notice. It is fair, my boss is lovely, and I was sort of expecting it. Things haven’t been unpleasant, but they certainly haven’t been wonderful in the way of my production will power, business opportunities, or even suitablility to this line of industry.

So, basically, I have until end of February to find myself a way out of a very dark and looming hole.

What I want out of this situation:

1. the ability to keep my car
2. the stress of keeping my house, animals and furniture would be a lovely thing if I knew it was possible to forget about
3. working from home would suit me ideally
4. Something with internet and writing criteria would rock my world

What I need out of this situation:

1. A bloody money paying job. Dishwashing will do. Or whoring. Anybody out there need a live in wife? I believe I have talents.
2. My animals. I really don’t want to lose my home for them guys. This is what is stressing me out big time!
3. A sugar daddy with lots of money and a big penoos would suit me right down to the ground actually, now that I think about it.

To Do List:

• Start backing up all my personal stuff on my laptop. (SOB! I’m going to lose my fancy laptop! This isn’t happening!)
• Transfer any relevant information to relevant clients
• Delete all incriminating evidence off company cell phone, such as porno vids, naked pictures of my booblets, sexy messages from Andrew, mxit and games that keep me far too busy when I should have been working
• Clear laptop from any confidential documentation which could hurt the company if fallen into the wrong hands
• Decide whether or not to cancel ADSL at home… I might need it, but I might not be able to afford it. Fuck – I might not even have a house to house the fucking ADSL!
• Visit Mother Dearest and break the news that her darling daughter might be unemployed soonish. Possibility of moving home imminent.
• Illicit money out of savings to prepare passport, visa & plane tickets in case of necessary immediate evacuation out of country due to pimps, drug lords and debt collector house calls
• Stop breathing into brown paper bag shortly as it is borderline broken already from all the air rushing in and out.

Jesus. I wish Andrew was here so he could laugh about this with me and tell me things would be fine. I wish I was more sad about losing my job, and not just how much stress this is causing me and my financials.

Track 6, SP, modified.

I’ll find a map and draw a straight line
Over it the South Coast state lies
The distance from me to where you’d be
Its only a finger less, that I see
I touch the place
Where I’d find your face
My fingers in creases
Of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I’ve found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
Cos drunken men find flaws in silence
Their words mostly noises
Cos its just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

The miles away from where you are
I’ll lay you down on the cold ground
I’ll pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have traveled so far
We’d set the fire to the third bar
We’d share each other like an island
Until exhausted, we’d close our eyelids

Concussions, distractions and just plain waffling along

I mentioned last Friday that Kimbo decided I needed to go horse riding to clear my head. It actually worked for about five minutes. Until I decided to light a smoke ontop of the beast, and it threw me off.

I don’t think I bumped my head, I had one of those dorky hat helmut things that made me look like an ice jockey, but when I finally came round after a few minutes, I had lost memory of everything barring where I was.

The worst part about finding out why I was at Kimbo’s farm was having to hear all over again how Andrew died. It was horrific and felt like I was hearing it for the first time. She then had to explain what I was doing on a horse in the first place, and also how I even got there.

After lying down for a few minutes, and a strong cup of coffee and a few million cigarettes, my memory came back to me. It was the strangest sensation I have ever had. I knew who I was, sort of, but it felt like all the knowledge was on the tip of my tongue and i just couldn’t grasp it.

Why I’m telling you all of this, is because my headache hasn’t really gone away since the fall. I have been leaving it and taking pills, thinking I would give it a chance to prove itself as either a tension headache (lord knows I can allow myself some grace there) or if it is a side effect of the concussion.

If by lunch time it has not gone, I will take myself to a quack.

How are you doing? I need some distraction today, please. In a little while my boss is coming to see me and I have a feeling my job is on the line. DISTRACT ME!