Pros and Cons

There are definite advantages of being a twenty something single female in this day and age. However there are also distinct disadvantages.

Advantages:

- I get to go out with whomever I want and not have to justify one person to another
- I spend a lot more time with my friends than I ever have
- My money is spent on me and me alone
- My dog sleeps in my bed and no one can say a word
- If I want to do my house in pretty pink circles and green dashes, I can.
- My cupboard is widely spaced in between clothes and not bunched up like it would be if I had to share
- I meet lots of people all the time because I get up and go places when I feel like it

Disadvantages:

- I have no man to fight my battles for me like my assistant has. Even though he’s a man himself, he gets his asshole boyfriend/fiancé to do all his dirty work for him.
- When the lights go out like they did last night, I sit alone with the candles and a growling dog and a howling puppy
- If I oversleep like I did today, no one wakes me up
- I have to make my own coffee. All the time.
- I can’t hug a man just cos he’s had a bad day. That’ll just look like I’m trying to bone him.

I miss my exes. All of them at this point. Even Nick who was gay, and Jacques who preferred my girlfriends to me, and Graeme who was a nerd and Carl who was just weird and especially Jaun who sells caravans for a living.

You know what I fucking hate?

Being shouted at for nothing. I never complain about work, but fuck it – I am pissed now.

An important client emailed me to forward on something that he had deleted in error, and wanted on his records, so I did.

My boss then emails me with major attitude, telling me to leave his VIP’s alone, as it could make him look bad yadayada yada.

I then (in a moment of blind fury) sent him the original email from the client requesting ME to do it with the words:

“what was I meant to do here, [Boss] ignore the man? You should have sent it to him ages ago, which is why he contacted me!”

No reply of apology, and still counting…

I work in a mens corporate international exporting world, and don’t need this crap, just because I helped out a ‘VIP’.

Do you know what I think VIP stands for?

Very
Irritating
Prick.

Assholes.

/rant.

Ooh it gets better.

I just got accused of taking advantage of my assistants ignorance.

Things you find when spring cleaning

Firstly, I am really excited – I have managed to connect to the net off my phone, using my pc. COnvertion to a geek is almost complete, it seems. Well done, me!

Secondly, My family have gone. Sad face. I am tired from crying. I came home to find a letter Ash left me, and just sobbed. I keep saying this, but I am *so* grateful I had this time with them. My goal has been set, I want to go to Oz by March next year, just for a holiday, but also to check it out and see if its worth moving there or not.

Thirdly, I have had a busy day and spring cleaned my flat. The things I found! Unbelievable! Here have a list:

• Condom. To be used by Feb 2008. That gives me four months people. I need to find that shag I keep waffling about to my mates. The problem is I have too many needs for one person to satisfy, and I’m not prepared to sleep with a random. I am so over that. Not that I have ever had sex with anyone I didn’t love. Ahem.
• Seventeen little fluffy toys for SusieQ and Milo, although Milo only has one tooth, but what the hell – he can ‘gum’ them to death as apposed to Suse’s biting them and ripping every last shred of fluff, like she has done with all the others.
• Four books I have never read. Bonus.
• Three pairs of jeans with price tags still on them. Double bonus. (Except I was reminded of how bad my shopping fetish once was).
• A candy striped bag. What was I thinking?
• Photo’s and more photo’s. (one was of a willy. don’t ask).
• A packet of dog bones with green stuff on it, I am presuming mould.
• This cord (now) sticking out of my laptop to connect to the net. Triple bonus.
• Five lighters. I hid them to not lose them, then forgot where I had done the hiding.
• An entire make up bag, complete with Clinique face wash.

Hope your weekend was peaceful. If not, I hope it was raucious and madly wild.

I’m not here for your entertainment, you don’t really wanna mess with me tonight, just stop and take a second, I was fine before u walked into my life

So. I’ve slept on it. I’m not still mad as hell. Here’s what went down in conversation yesterday:

AA: You’re probably so mad at me you’ll kill me when you see me (there’s a lot of “ee” sounds in that sentence).
It’s Me.
(Remember, he was using a new name, so I might not have recognised it)

Me: Mad? I am hugely mad. I’m so mad I could cry with relief that you are, in fact, still breathing you asshole. Now that I know you are, fuck you. Do you have any idea what I’ve been thinking?

AA: I’m sorry! Had a busy few months. I’m ok. You?

Me: Okay, I will tell you since you don’t want to know what I’ve been thinking. Pick a number:

1. You died
2. You got married, then died
3. You did something illegal, then skipped the country, and died
4. You came here, saw me, realized I was weird, went home, and died
5. Out of the blue, you decided we were a silly little chat thing, not worth much, I wasn’t important enough to say ‘hey, listen I’m going to be really busy for a while, just bare with me ok?’

Which one, “[New Name]”?

AA: Oh shut up I had to change my name for my clients’ sake. My clients are all from the UK and they don’t understand that my name is AA. So management thought it will be better to tell them my name is [insert dorky new name]. Your blog still going?

I then proceeded to ignore him, as clearly I was getting nowhere with the questions. I have never met someone so infuriating in my life.

Later, probably an hour (longest hour ever for someone as curious as me) I started again.

Me: So….. we’re not going to discuss the last two months

AA: No, we’re not. SOrry.

Me: You INFURIATE me. No one’s life can be so special and secretive that they can’t talk about it.

AA: It’s not special, not secretive, it’s just a long discussion that I’m not in the mood for right now. We can talk about it tomorrow. OK?
Calm down, breath, go make yourself a milo and give Leon a hug.

Me: No! I do not want to hug leon, I do not want a milo because I’m on a die…- eating plan. You would know this, if you HADN’T DROPPED OFF THE FUCKING EARTH FOR TWO MONTHS! ….
Sigh.

This would be so much more fun in real life. At least there would be make up sex.
I hate you.

AA: Hey don’t say that. That’s harsh. Aren’t you at least happy that I’m not dead? Imagine what you would have felt like if I was dead???

And the make up sex would’ve been dodgy and illegal…………..

Me: Don’t fucking make me laugh! It’s not a funny matter. I’m mad at you. And I’m hurt.

And I really missed you.

AA: I know. Me too. And I promise it won’t happen again, OK?

Please explain to me, slowly, how I am meant to stay mad?

Arrive Alone’s return

I’m kinda feeling happy and relieved, yet angry as a motherfucking motherfucker and very hurt. Stop. Go read this first. While you are busy, I’ll just sit here and breathe into a brown paper bag.

…………..

Okay, I realise that there is no link there. I can’t find it. I wrote a post about this a while ago, but may have deleted it. But lets face it, you probably weren’t going to click it anyway, were you? So I’ll just give you the run down.

I met someone. Ages ago. Not in person, online. I always swore I would never let myself fall for that, but he was different. He didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear, he was real. But also, very secretive.

It took ages for me to even know his name. And only when he got really drunk one night, did he allow me to ask him personal questions. Despite chatting for months, I never got his number. I gave him mine, but he didn’t want me to know his until he was on his way here in a plane. Yes, thats right, we agreed to meet in person. Without me even having his telephone number or hearing his voice or having any form of contact with him other than words on this screen of mine.

But he was different. He got to me in a way no one else has in a very, very long time.

A day after my birthday, in August, we were having a normal chat, and he had to go. His last words were “Chat tomorrow”. That was over two months ago. It went from a daily occurance to nothing without any explanation, fight, or disagreement. Hell, he hadn’t even seen my hairy legs so I can’t even blame it on that.

Until this morning, while I’m chomping on scrambled eggs, an email pops up, from him. I nearly choked. His name has changed (for work) and he still has no explanation, other than ‘its been a busy couple of months’.

I don’t want advice. I don’t want you to tell me what to do. What I do want is for you to tell me that I’m not crazy in thinking that he is still worth sticking around for.

What for, I don’t exactly know, its not like I want a relationship from the guy, he lives in Cape town for fuck sakes. But I do know that he spices up my life.

And I also know that I’m a pussy, because I should tell him to fuck himself and his ‘busy months’.
___________________________________
Yes, I know there is a link now. I found the goddam post, ok?

Pet hates.

1. People calling me Ma’am when they are clearly a few years my senior. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
2. Spit. I hate it. In a mouth or out. It is best ignored.
3. Why does tea go so cold so quickly? Coffee doesn’t. Its only tea. Annoying.
4. Taxi drivers. No matter how new or old their taxi is, they were put on earth to be bad drivers.
5. Hooting to greet. Didn’t people realize that when it gives you the multiple question and answers in the learner driver test, it was a trick question? Blowing your horn is not meant for greeting. Emergencies only, people!
6. Egg shells in my scrambled eggs from mugg n bean. Seriously, this is just not on.
7. Every single clothing company that sells underwear. They need to realise that just because my boobs are gigantic, it doesn’t give them the right to make the bra straps big enough to fit around a tree trunk. Think about it, manufacturers!
8. Fat free cream. That is a fucking impossibility. Cream is a form of fat! Do people really fall for that?
9. The smell of blown out candles. It smells terrible.
10. Nail polish that peels off quickly. What a waste of time, effort and money. It takes ages to apply it, forever for it to dry, then you get up and a day later half of it flakes off.

Wednesday shmednesday. I’m grumpy.

Notice! Very NB!

Please, everyone, go wish GLugster a Humfrey Bumfrey as it is his hatch day today.

Hope you have a good one, Clutchplate! Mwah! Mwah!

Famdamily

So, its three more sleeps until my family leaves. I have really had such a good time having them stay with me. I thought it was going to be crowded, but I’ve loved every minute of it and to be honest, am dreading being alone again. I’m going to have to relearn how to live by myself.

On Saturday, Australia will become an even better place as my family arrives closer to my two best friends in the computer, Amy & Rob. They’ll be in Perth, guys, so promise me that if either of you two go near there, you’ll go say hi, okay?

I’ve learnt things about me, while having my dad around daily for the first time since I was a little itty bitty ankle biter. Its brought us so much closer, and I’m really glad.

Highlights of having my family with me the last two months:

1. Tuesdays will never be the same. They are now known as Fucky-wucky nights, and Ash and I find every excuse to get out of the house that night. Two guesses why.
2. Dad and Darryn stealing a pubs two rugby mascots in their inhebriated state. Dad felt guilty the next day so gave them a make over, spruced them up and delivered it in a box back to the pub with an anonomous apology riddle. The next time we went back there, the mascots were placed so high up, a giant would struggle to reach it.
3. My father finally got the chance to meet all my good friends. One of them, F, collapsed laughing when Dad stood on the table to be the same height as he greeted him.
4. Trace and I have become even closer than we were before and I truly do think of her as my udder-mudder.
5. I am going to need a holiday once they are gone, just to get myself back into the motion of going to bed early and staying at home during the week.
6. Late at night, when I should have been sleeping like a normal person, Ash and I stay up giggling like bloody idiots, adding to the list of our clutchplate dictionary. Here, have some examples:

• Hoeknaal: toenails.
• Vat are very cool – no explanation necessary, I’m sure.
• you is a anoos
• How lamm is that (lame)?
• more to be added later, I have to finish this post immediately and check emails.

Memories, Beautiful Memories

Our boys won. I cried big fat juicy tears as I sang the anthem with my parents for the last time. I say last time, because they leave for Oz on Friday. I am gutted about it. I will miss them so much and am grateful that I have had the last two months with them staying with me.

After our victorius win, I dragged the birthday girl (I was at a bday party) and all the remaining few people to a club, where I became disco diva on the dancefloor and mingled with people who had green and yellow painted faces and rugby shirts on. A call for the fashion police was in definate need, but alas they never arrived.

At four am on Sunday morning I was standing on one leg in my bathroom on my scale. It is never a good idea to weigh yourself whilst drunk. Somehow I added an extra digit onto my weight result and became weepy.

I locked myself in the bathroom, and couldn’t find the key, also.

My doggy has worms. I thought they were noodles stuck to her bum. Nasty. She is being fed medicine as I type. Eet is DeesGOSTING!

WELL DONE GREEN AND GOLD BEAUTIES! You hairy, sweaty, manly men! Sigh. I love rugby. Although, I am glad that the RWC is over so that normal TV viewing hours and social lives may be resumed. I can also now have my TV remote back.

And apparently I snore. What-evar.