Monkey Business

I came home the other day, to a house that I had left spotless but was now trashed. Now people, you need to remember that I live alone. And the only pets I have are two little birds who are quite sweet, although they tend to shit sometimes on my furniture. But I love them.

I opened my front door, and looked around in confusion as I took in the red juice like liquid all over my counter, the bird food everywhere, 2 loaves of what was once bread, packets ripped open and crumbs everywhere. My vegetable rack had also been ransacked and all the nice things like butternut and gem squashes had been taken, with only onions and potatoes left.

My little birds were huddled in the corner of their cage, all fluffed up, and looked quite pissed off. I leant down to smell the red liquid and it smelt quite pungently of urine. Monkey urine, to be presise.

These fuckers not only keep me up at night with their mating calls and love making screams, a fact that they have a better sex life than I is enough to piss anyone off, but now they come into my house and steal from me!

Added to my shopping list to this month:

• 1 x BB gun to shoot asshole monkeys
• nice smelling cleaning agent to get fragrance of monkey piss out of the counter

Chain letters suck!

Didn’t write this, myself, but flip its funny as hell!

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor f*cking 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send his email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy Bunny in the magazine! What a bunch of f*cking bullsh*t.

So basically, this message is a big F*CK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Ceaser in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2010, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

F*ck them! If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly f*cking amusing. I’ve seen all the ‘send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I don’t f*cking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

> Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Keep Scrolling

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

STOP!!!! Wasn’t that fun?

Hope you made a great wish

Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!

Here’s how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! >> > >> >

Chain Letter Type 2 >> > >> >
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of b*llshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!! >> > >> > >> >

Chain Letter Type 3 >> > >> >
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works…
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay. >> > >> > >> >

Chain Letter Type 4 >> > >> >

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends. >> > >> >
FRIENDS:
A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of assholes.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English…no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady.
A friend is NOT someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again!

The point of this post being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail,
otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you’ll find all your knickers missing tomorrow m
orning!

Buying goodies

Buying accessories for when it THAT time of the month. My mom calls them goodies, although there are various other names people have come up with over the years, just to disguise their actual purpose: plugs, sticks, bombs etc. I will go with my moms name. Buying goodies has to be one of the worst things.

I discreetly walk up the aisle, making special effort to be seen admiring the shampoo’s and creams before I sneakily grab for the box of tampax, shove it in the shopping cart, then I suddenly realise that I need at least three more items of absolutely no use, just so they can cover up the dreaded box of goodies in the likely event of a granny, or worse: male co shopper, to look inside the cart.

Once at the till, I look around suspiciously to make sure no one is watching me as I throw the box down on its back, so the label “TAMPAX” is faced down. The cashier lifts his head up at my tight grin of greeting, with a look of disdain and boredom in return, this is only the tenth goody shopper of the day to him. Slowly, he scans the box, the till screen pops up the amount to be paid.

Like a drug dealer, I slip him the notes, he hands out the change after I have asked him to please pass over a packet (which needs to be paid for, and packed myselfyourself, this is South Africa after all). Eventually, the goodies are in the bag, you have paid in full and you happily swing them in the packet, comfortable in the fact that they have now been disguised and are out of sight. Until someone knocks into you and the packet breaks, the box opens, and tampons go scattering everywhere.

I look up, from the culprits shoes, to his tight blue jeans, to his light blue golfing shirt, right into his ice blue eyes that make my eyes go watery. The man is gorgeous, and he just knocked out every tampon I had left on me.

Yup, buying goodies sucks. Alot.

Personality Profile

OMG! This is just like me!

Holy Hell!

Percentage

Openness 56%
Conscientiousness 44%
Extraversion 81%
Agreeableness 88%
Neuroticism 44%

Trait Explanations

Openness
You are aware of your feelings but don`t get carried away with your imagination either. You embrace change when it is necessary while still resisting it when it is not. Beauty is important, but it`s not everything.

Conscientiousness
You are random and fun to be around but you can plan and persist when work requires. Depending on the situation, you can make quick decisions or deliberate for longer if necessary.
ExtraversionYou are constantly energetic, exuberant and active. You aim to be the centre of attention at social occasions and to assert yourself when in groups. You are someone that says, “Yes!”

Agreeableness
You are extremely easy to get along with. You are considerate, friendly, generous and helpful and you consider most other people to be thoroughly decent and trustworthy.
NeuroticismYou are generally calm. Although some situations can make you feel emotional, your feelings tend to be warranted.

You have histrionic personality disorder
You need attention! You behave inappropriately provocatively and seductively towards others in order to draw attention to yourself. Your theatrical language makes everything sound a bazillion times more exciting than it really is!

Je vous aime

A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tout les amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)

These are the last words I’ll speak this week,
And they’ll set me free
for it be WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK/END bebe

=)

Note to self

Do not wear white pants on a rainy day where you run out of petrol and have to run around in mud trying to siphon flamable liquid into your fuel tank.

That is all.

Those are your eggs…

On sunday I had a visit from my two god kiddies. We went out for milkshakes and then they came back to my house as Nikki had not yet seen “Aunty Sheenies” new “castle”.

I showed hermaround, explaining that ‘this is my tv, and this is my bathroom, and here is the kitchen, there is my fridge…’ and interrupted by 4year old Nikki, saying ‘those are your eggs’. I actually had to stop and think before moving on.

She didn’t care that I had a technicoloured loungesuite devoid of arm rest covers, or that my curtains (still) resemble clingwrap on glass. The kitchen curtains which seem so hideous to me, weren’t even a consideration to her.

Nikki saw that I had a shiny white fridge, and pretty chinese blankets, and that those were my eggs.

I wish that sometimes we could all see the world through a child’s eye, and not have to over-analyse things as much as we do.

Those were my eggs.

Bleh.

Arrive Alone

An every day conversation with “Arrive Alone” Man. Love him.

AA Man
Today at 1:00pm
what u up 2?

Sheena Gates
Today at 1:01pm
eating lunch. checking out my new blog. its the bomb

AA Man
Today at 1:02pm
huh? what new blog?

Sheena Gates
Today at 1:03pm
http://sheena-ifthesewallscouldtalk.blogspot.comBlooger. com hosts it. awesome!

AA Man
Today at 1:04pm
blooger.com?

Sheena Gates
Today at 1:06pm
um no. blogger.com. my bad.

AA Man
Today at 1:07pm
it’s cool. hey heard about the dyslecsic (?) guy who commited suicide?his suicide note read “World goodbye cruel”

Sheena Gates
Today at 1:08pm
Hahhahahaa i just laughed so hard the dude in the next shop came to see what was so funny!I am dyslexic actually. Did you know that? Hide it well most times…

AA Man
Today at 1:16pm
really? you dyslexic? didn’t knowi went to see a play performed by dyslexic ppl last weekshow was called Bitty Bitty Chang Chang

Sheena Gates
Today at 1:20pm
hahahahaahaaa idiot.Yes really. Not many ppl know. Actually, no one knows besides my mom and very close friends. Hid it from my brothers cos that would just give them license to rip me off endlessly, and they already have far too many reasons to tease me.But I master it usually. bitty bitty chang chang lol.

AA Man
Today at 1:23pm
i can dislocate my left shoulder…….

Sheena Gates
Today at 1:24pm
hahaa. ok.i can click almost every joint in my body.

AA Man
Today at 1:30pm
i’ve had over 70 stiches.i have a crack in my skull which can be felt (it’s about 10cm long and half a cm wide)….and i have a dick (beat that mo fo)

Sheena Gates
Today at 1:31pm
i’ve had over a hundred stiches. (heart operation)My heart had a HOLE IN IT. Scar still there, right between my breasteses.Which brings me to my next item:I HAVE BOOBS! I could use a strap on dick. what u gonna do? pad a bra???

And so, thats how it goes…