men! and there suckiness.

I have decided to become one of those chics that I have always envied. I have converted myself into a celibate, lesbian Nun. Why, you may ask? Because I hate men. Thats why. Let me tell you what I hate about the fuckers:

• They get to keep their last name forever. Although I get alot of Bill jokes (my surname is Gates) I happen to like my last name.
• They get to become a President just because they have a willy.
• They never have to be pregnant.
• They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park, or even NO T-shirt.
• The world is their urinal. That really pisses me off. I wouldn’t mind whipping it out while being stuck on a road trip with no garage stops nearby.
• Wrinkles add character to men, for us girls it means expense in the surgical department.
  The occasional burp is practically expected. Now I bet you a million bux that even if I knew how to burp loudly, I would be gasped at if I did it in public.
• Mens underwear is R49.95 for a three-pack. I have yet to find a decent pair of panties I like for that price. Unless you count the granny panties I got for christmas.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough for them. That is bloody insane!
• One mood all the time. Impossible!
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. This is a phenomenon to me, honestly.
• Five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. Hmmm ok, fine. Turn your clothes inside out on the second day, see if I care!
• They can open all their own jars.
• They only have to shave their face and neck. Revert to my veet post if you dont know why this is an issue for me.
• Shorts can be worn no matter how kak your legs look.
• They can “do” their nails with a pocket knife.

It is official. I hate them. And I hate being ignored, just incase you wondered what prompted this post. You know who you are. In closure, I am feeling a slight resemblance to a sexually repressed homosexual woman of the cloth.

The FYI Attachment

Don’t you hate the way conversations generally start when you don’t know someone? Be it online, in person or under bed linen (yeah, im still harping on about being a reborn virgin) its always the same old mundane crap:

person: Hi
me: Hey
person: Hows u?
me: gr8, u?
person: ok
me: cool
person: so what u like to do for fun?
me: stuff, you know, whatever comes up
person: cool cool….
me: yup.
(awkward silence…)

me: whats your name, buddy?
person: john, u?
me: Sheena. Yours is pretty common… ever wish your mom chose something more exotic?
person: huh? what ya mean?
me: nothing, don’t worry. What u up to?
person: nothing much, you?
me: Yeah…. I’m actually pretty busy/in a rush/really tired, so – see ya round!

See what I mean? dead. flat. no spark. nothing. nada. nyente. vokol. Soooo boring.

On the other hand, there are others (just a few) that have really made an impact on me. Some stick around and rock my world, others piss me off and show the expiry date.

I was thinking, it would be so much easier if we could all walk around with papers to hand over when you meet someone. If it was an online meeting, it could be an attachment in an email, that you just forward onto the person.

This is what it could say, in my case:

Hi! Whats up? Glad to have met you, blah blah blah. Here are a few things you should have a heads up when it comes to me before we take this any further:

1. I’m a cool chic, don’t fuck me around.

2. One terrible vice I have is smothering my hands in moisturising cream. Don’t give me that crap about it smelling too girly. I am a girly girl.

3. I am really ditsy sometimes, if thats going to irritate you, tell me now. I recently lost my glasses and searched for them for at least five minutes before I realised they were on my head.

4. Don’t promise me the world and don’t come through for me. Who the hell said I wanted the world anyway?

5. Until you are absolutely sure of your feelings towards me, don’t fucking tell me! I am a white-picket-fence-kids-on-the-way kind of girl. I get excited at the prospect of finding my true love. It pisses me off when you suddenly have a moment, share your feelings, and wake up the next day and your mind is somewhere else. Grow some goddam balls. I won’t say anything if I don’t mean it, so you shouldn’t either.

6. If by any chance you do decide that our relationship is not doing it for you, kindly tell me. Do not think that it would be easier to keep quiet and hope I won’t notice you ignoring me. Thats the cowardly way out and I am not an idiot.

7. I sometimes forget to shave my legs. Ok, not sometimes, OFTEN. In fact, I only ever shave my legs when I really, really have to. I know, gross.

8. More often than not, I will laugh at you if you do silly things. You can laugh at me too, I don’t mind. But don’t be mean if you know my feelings will get hurt.
9. I have alot of animals. They are important to me (do not let me running over my dog last week fool you. I do love them, honest)
10. I can be really untidy. I hate making my bed. Every second day when the maid is not on duty, my home is messy! I will not make a good house wife. I don’t do dishes. I can’t be responsible for whatever marks are left on clothes after an iron has been in my hands.
11. Despite not being able to be comfortable enough to sob infront of anyone, I will get a tear in my eye (often because its itchy, honest) when I see a cute advert, or if I watch an animated movie, or if I read a funny email that tugs at my heart.

12. I hate my knees. You will never catch me in a skirt or shorts above my calf.

13. I hardly ever run out of things to talk about. Run away now if you are into the submissive kind of person. I am submissives enemy.
Thanks for reading through my list, be warned that I can add or subtract from it at any stage. You need to be on the ball here, slick. See ya around. Or not. Whatever you choose.

So this is now going to be permanently copied into my ‘paste special’ section for any one particular person I may need to hand this out to. I think it will forewarn the person, and give them the option to run away kicking and screaming if they so wish. That way, when they do realise who I am, they can’t do it at a later stage, when I am already attached to them.