Things I have learned…

… in my lifetime (all 22 and three and a quarters years of it) I have learned a few things, I thought I would share them with you:

* To make someone feel loved, all you need to do is let them know you care. Physically, emotionally, emailingly. Just let them know as best as you can.

* tampax – the greatest invention ever. sorry boys, but they really are handy compared to tampons. gimme a shout if you dont know the difference.

* You know when you wrap bows around presents, and you always need a third hand to put a finger in the middle of the ribbon while you knot it? if you twist the ribbon the opposite way, you wont need an extra helper!

* When baking pies, coat the pastry with milk if an egg yolk is not available, does the same golden brown trick. don’t know why, but it does.

* Married men do not always want to get into your pants when you talk to them. Some guys can just hold a platonic, decent conversation.

* Leaving your pet tortoise outside in the pond might get it stolen by the gardner and probably eaten. don’t do it.

* when you find a pair of jeans that you like, they can grow up with you. My best ones have gone thru pregnancy, breastfeeding and weight loss and gain. love em!

* Dont ever lie to your librarian, she will find out! In fact don’t ever lie. Unless I’m asking you something and you know the truth will piss me off.

* When you have run out of toilet paper, and all you have is serviettes with printing on the one side, turn it out. Ink can cause genital infection. This I don’t know from experience, promise. Someone told me long ago (there’s a calm befoooore the storm, I know… its been gone for some time… sorry, that song always pops up in places of my mind when I say that sentence) that infection down there happens and I’ve never forgotten it. Turn serviettes over, I say!

* Don’t ever do drugs. They can mess up your mind.

* Love your mother. You never know when you might need her, long after you declare yourself independant.

* if you go to a Spur steak ranch, do not even think about eating the white sauce (WHITE SAUCE, LIAM, NOT PINK, WHITE!) they keep on their tables next to the bbq sauce. I have personally witnessed many a pissed off waiter spit in them.

* When you are going on a long journey, do not leave your petrol cap key at home. I once drove for ages, stopped to gas up and realised that I had left the keys at home, thinking they were for my non existant gear lock. This was when I got my car, don’t laugh. how was I to know?

* Bribing police men is never a good idea. especially when they know your policeman brother.

South African Cultures…

This post is said in jest, if u are racially sensitive – piss off and go read elsewhere. I’m generalising here, I know there are serious issues in most cultures classes and religions, I am here to take the mickey, so don’t be offended:

We call ourselves the rainbow nation. Not because of the various races and colours in South Africa, I believe it is because of the vast and various cultures Souf Effrikens have. Here are a few examples:

The white english speaking group – aka The Engels Muffins:

They live in upmarket houses in nice white picketed fences and short cut green grass. They go boating over the weekends, dress up to go to the malls and all try and out do eachother in the way of fashion, cars and partners. Generally a shallow bunch. They all have their own cell phone fancier than the next one, the girls walk around with honey combs in their hair, way too much war paint and too little clothes. On the beach the woman all laze around in bikinis with there bits hangin out, perving at the nearest life guard while the men run after the kids and try get the meat braai’d up and ready to be chowed.

The Mixed Race – aka Cape Coloureds / Caapies:

Caapies are a happy bunch. They walk around the waterfront with brown paper bags wrapping see through bottles of liquid. I’m not entirely sure why, but it seems to make them chuffed with life, they sing and dance and shout to each other and play on home made musical instruments. I have never met a Caapie with a career other than being a professional car guard or begging executive. Neither have I met a Caapie with their full mouthful of teeth, as it happens. Hmmm. Not sure why that is. They also tend to approach anyone who seems to have more money than them with: “Hoezit My Larnie, hows some donation/food/money”. Lovely bunch. Very cheery.

The African South Africans – aka The Blacks:

Drive minibus taxis that tend to cause mass attempted homicide and road rage. They always hoot to greet their mates across the road which succeeds in pissing every other driver off. I think when they did their learners (if they didnt buy one) they ticked the multiple option B. Your hooter is used for which option:

a) To alert other drivers in extreme emergency
b) To greet your friend across the road
c) Alert that mamma walking in front of you that u think she’s hot

It annoys me immensely. I wish they wouldnt do it. If you drive a taxi, please stop it. Blacks also have invented their own villages just outside towns or cities. You’ll be driving along the N2 highway and suddenly happen upon a shit load of shacks made of tin and plastic with rocks on the rooves to make sure they dont blow away. They somehow dont assume the responsibility of paying rates and taxes, i suppose because my address is 10 Robin Lane and theirs is Ehhh, Shack no. 176 next tooo de boosh under de breeedge. They also wear traditionally colourful outfits, mostly made of straw and beads. They send their kids to fetch buckets of water from the river 3km down the pathway.

The Indian Community aka The Charas:

Mostly found in a mob with one or two really old aunties dressed in a shocking pink coloured sari, laced with fake gold, and long gray hair platted all the way down to her knees. Chara’s are fond of replacing their original teeth with gold flecks. I even saw one Indian chic with a diamond in her tooth once. Indian’s convert their cars to hell and back. You may drive a mercedes (pronounced by indians as merc-say-dees) but i guarantee you the chara who just pulled up next to you will have better speed, sound and bling in his car! Their lawnmowers are probably converted even. Another thing indian chara’s do is make a mean ass curry. Durban Curry is the hottest thing since the sun was discovered. Along with curry is something called a Bunny chow. Its a loaf of bread cut in half, filled with shithot meat and leaves with a bit of yellow spice in it. they fuckin luv the stuff. beats me… I’d rather stick to pasta.

and then there are my favourites…

The Afrikaans Mense – aka Bone heads / Rock spiders / Dutchmen:

They walk the walk, talk the talk and act the act… Mullet hairdo’s, bling bling round their neck, muscle vest wearing, lots of swearing machomen! Dutchmen have their own language, and when they speak english u understand them even less.

- One jean pant = two jeans pant. (Translation: denim jeans)

- My girlfriend wil come wif us on horleyday in DearCember where we will do some swemming in ve see and collect a tan. Dit sal lekker wees. (Translation: My girlfriend will accompany us on holiday in the month of December where we shall partake in some sun bathing in the ocean and hopefully acquire a tan. That should be lovely).

- Don’t talk to me like vat! I’ll sommer hit u so hard, you will fink you is surrounded! (Translation: Do not speak to me in that manner, or I shall make you regret it).

I love my country and all its people!!!

head heart war…

I have a war permanently going on inside me. I think I’ll call it The Great Battle of Sheenshead VS. Heartingville. Its ongoing and downright friggin exhausting I tell you!

Some people I know have no confidence in making decions for themselves. Then you get me. I come along and The Great Battle of Sheenshead VS. heartingville wont allow me to make a decision amongst myself!

No matter how big or small the situation is, true as bob made little green apples, there will be a fight.

Going on a date

Head: Yeah, I think we should skip this oke. He looks dodge.

Heart: Aww maybe the little fucker could be my soul mate – you never know, you know.

Head: WTF?! You are such a loser. He doesn’t even close his mouth when he chews!

Getting Dressed for work knowing there will be a video call at some point

Head: Wear something respectable so you look like you earned your position.

Heart: Aw, but if i wear my skimpy pink shirt, the old ballies will love the cleavage, and I will get a better commission.

Its getting worse tho:

Somebodyspecial doesn’t call or text when he said he would

Head: read a book, don’t even think of him

Heart: But he said he would call! Maybe something bad has happened!

Head: Yeah, like him falling into someone else’s company. Cos you know, it could happen. Accidents occur all the time.

Heart: ACCIDENT?!!! Oh god you dont think he’s crashed his car do you?

Head: READ YOUR FUCKING BOOK!

Heart: Maybe I should call him, just to see if he’s ok?

Head: Maybe you should build a bridge and get over it. Its late, he’s not gonna call.

Head: Yawn, I hope he does, because he did say he would…

**Incidentally, he never did call**

(Head: asshole. He sucks. Heart: No, he does not! He probably got caught up at work or something. He makes me smile and laugh and I love his company. He is awesome. Don’t say that you cold errrrr…hearted biatch!)

***He did send a text the minute he first got the chance. His phone died and he had no charger***

(Head: Hmmmm okaaaay, fine, he’s off the hook. This time. Heart: Sigh…. He’s so awesome!)

Does this ever happen to you guys? Seriously? Be honest here… I feel like a schitzo!!!