Miss Popularity

Today has been the weirdest day. I must have pissed someone off in a big way cos that bitch Karma hates me right now.

I’m house sitting again, for one of my favourite clients. The Clients house is way up in the top of Too Much Money land, their house is stunning. Try 6 bathrooms, 5 bedrooms, overlooking the ocean, with a kick ass kitchen to boot. I love stayin in this house.

So i lie in bed after I wake up this morning, trying to decide weather I want to do a smoothie, cuppacino, full on english breakfast, or just plain meuslie and yogurt? I get out of bed and crawl thru the house, noticing how weird and dark the house is looking, and there is the most annoying beeping screaming out from somewhere in the house. Eventually I realize half way to the kitchen its the alarm system. The electricity is off. Ah crap. There goes my coffee and breakfast story…

No coffee. Every appliance and coffee maker you can think of right in front of me, but no power to use it. But then i realize how this affects my day. No tv (they dont make tv’s that run on gas), no cell phone (battery flat), no laptop (charger wont work) no coffee. One of those days where you should just get back into bed and pull the duvet back over your head. But no, what do i do? i decide I actually want to do something and not to be alone.

Only problem… everyone else i know has different ideas.

I look outside and the weather is crap. No beach for me then. I’ll go to movies! Can’t decide who tho, so I revert to my usual method and make it a first come, first serve basis. whoever answers first, I spend the day with…

Message I send out to Kim, B, Flea, My Gay Plus one, Leon:

Yo, I’m bored. Lets do movies?

**Wait five minutes. (FIVE minutes??? wtf. I know these people. They type faster than that.)

Replies:

Kim: Sorry luv – in jhb for the weekend. Rain check?

Me: Aw, not… I’m bored now, Kimbo.

B: Dude, I’m too lazy to get out of bed.

Me: Hmmm. Ok, cant argue with that. (i know B – when he’s lazy, you can plant TnT under him and he wont flinch a milli metre).

Flea: I ain’t going near the mall, its Sunday. It is holiday season. There are Vaalies. I am scared.

Me: What a fuckin wussy. You suck.

**Lie back on the bed for another five minutes… still no reply from Gay boy. Consider smsing Friendwithbenefits. Gasp! The unthinkable! I do it anyway, atleast he is always keen to see me, no matter when or why…

Hey, FriendWithBenefits*, I know I’ve been quiet lately, sorry luv… been SO busy. Wanna let me make it up to you by doing movies today?

Reply: UM, hey Sheen. Sorry I cant make it, Im spendin today with my GIRLFRIEND.

Seriously, he literally typed Girlfriend in CAPS!!!! Like this: today with my GIRLFRIEND! What the hell. News to me, thats for sure. And was it really necessary to mention that anyway? Couldn’t he have said, I’m busy hun, sorry. Maybe next time?

I am heart broken. Not because I want him myself or anything like that. I’m heart broken that I am now officially the only, ONLY, only single person in my social circle.

Spot the error.

So I sms one more message, to Leon. Trusty old Leon.

Me: Fuck you, you WILL do movies with me. You HAVE to, there is a crisis.

My Gay Plus One, Leon: Okaaaay, only if you promise to change out of those ridiculously nerdy pants you have on.

Me: Um, what the hell?! you can’t even see me!

My Gay Plus One, Leon: Darling, can you honestly tell me you look good right now? We all know about you and your gross pants. Get out of them and pick me up in half an hour, tart.

Me: Oh. My. Word. You are paying!

Seriously now, whoever I pissed off, please say you forgive me cos I didnt mean it. Maybe then Karma will exnay on the bad luck! i JUST wanna have a good time. Thats all. I’m a nice person, really, I am. I don’t deserve this shit.

*not his actual name

Miss Popularity

Today has been the weirdest day. I must have pissed someone off in a big way cos that bitch Karma hates me right now.

I’m house sitting again, for one of my favourite clients. The Clients house is way up in the top of Too Much Money land, their house is stunning. Try 6 bathrooms, 5 bedrooms, overlooking the ocean, with a kick ass kitchen to boot. I love stayin in this house.

So i lie in bed after I wake up this morning, trying to decide weather I want to do a smoothie, cuppacino, full on english breakfast, or just plain meuslie and yogurt? I get out of bed and crawl thru the house, noticing how weird and dark the house is looking, and there is the most annoying beeping screaming out from somewhere in the house. Eventually I realize half way to the kitchen its the alarm system. The electricity is off. Ah crap. There goes my coffee and breakfast story…

No coffee. Every appliance and coffee maker you can think of right in front of me, but no power to use it. But then i realize how this affects my day. No tv (they dont make tv’s that run on gas), no cell phone (battery flat), no laptop (charger wont work) no coffee. One of those days where you should just get back into bed and pull the duvet back over your head. But no, what do i do? i decide I actually want to do something and not to be alone.

Only problem… everyone else i know has different ideas.

I look outside and the weather is crap. No beach for me then. I’ll go to movies! Can’t decide who tho, so I revert to my usual method and make it a first come, first serve basis. whoever answers first, I spend the day with…

Message I send out to Kim, B, Flea, My Gay Plus one, Leon:

Yo, I’m bored. Lets do movies?

**Wait five minutes. (FIVE minutes??? wtf. I know these people. They type faster than that.)

Replies:

Kim: Sorry luv – in jhb for the weekend. Rain check?

Me: Aw, not… I’m bored now, Kimbo.

B: Dude, I’m too lazy to get out of bed.

Me: Hmmm. Ok, cant argue with that. (i know B – when he’s lazy, you can plant TnT under him and he wont flinch a milli metre).

Flea: I ain’t going near the mall, its Sunday. It is holiday season. There are Vaalies. I am scared.

Me: What a fuckin wussy. You suck.

**Lie back on the bed for another five minutes… still no reply from Gay boy. Consider smsing Friendwithbenefits. Gasp! The unthinkable! I do it anyway, atleast he is always keen to see me, no matter when or why…

Hey, FriendWithBenefits*, I know I’ve been quiet lately, sorry luv… been SO busy. Wanna let me make it up to you by doing movies today?

Reply: UM, hey Sheen. Sorry I cant make it, Im spendin today with my GIRLFRIEND.

Seriously, he literally typed Girlfriend in CAPS!!!! Like this: today with my GIRLFRIEND! What the hell. News to me, thats for sure. And was it really necessary to mention that anyway? Couldn’t he have said, I’m busy hun, sorry. Maybe next time?

I am heart broken. Not because I want him myself or anything like that. I’m heart broken that I am now officially the only, ONLY, only single person in my social circle.

Spot the error.

So I sms one more message, to Leon. Trusty old Leon.

Me: Fuck you, you WILL do movies with me. You HAVE to, there is a crisis.

My Gay Plus One, Leon: Okaaaay, only if you promise to change out of those ridiculously nerdy pants you have on.

Me: Um, what the hell?! you can’t even see me!

My Gay Plus One, Leon: Darling, can you honestly tell me you look good right now? We all know about you and your gross pants. Get out of them and pick me up in half an hour, tart.

Me: Oh. My. Word. You are paying!

Seriously now, whoever I pissed off, please say you forgive me cos I didnt mean it. Maybe then Karma will exnay on the bad luck! i JUST wanna have a good time. Thats all. I’m a nice person, really, I am. I don’t deserve this shit.

*not his actual name

Boredom – its not a myth!

I’ve had a pretty noneventful weekend. Not that I’m complaining. I really needed it. My skip to the new company has really got me working it, baby! Trying to convince my new boss that I’m worth all the money he’s throwing at me is a full time job!

I do, however, need to express that silence and i are not friends. I do alot of house sitting (a part time semi-business I have going) and being alone for 72hours is kinda freaking me out. Although I chose to be alone this weekend and go into cave mode by being a recluse in the big echoey house im in, there are only so many things a girl can do in her own company:

09.23- DSTV has 100million channels and do u think i could find one, just one, decent thing to watch? Ha! Think again, my fairweathered friend.

10.02- Wax one’s legs – motherf**keritwaseina!

11.34- painted nails. four times. three different colours. eventually ended up back to clear. (Did you notice how long it took me to wax legs? Ja, it’d been a while. I’m a single girl – sort of – dont look at me like that).

12.29- read harry potter, switched to a self help book i found in the spare bathroom. (Who, by the way, leaves self help books in a bathroom? I mean, honestly, that uncle of yours who came down from die vrystaad does NOT need that kak to read when he’s pushing putty).

14.01- fed the bearded dragon 20 more crickets than its weekly allowance. Oops. hope it doesnt pop and die, that wont be fun. Can u imagine me, running around the huge bloody lawn with a blue bucket and metal spade trying to plant the evidence in the ground. That would mean I’d have to run up house owners telephone bill (we all know how dangerous I am with phones) calling all the local pet shops trying to get a lesserspotted hypocrocodonkeyrat beaded dragon with a black spike on its left side, just below the fourth rib. Yes, you know, that spike. Thanks, I’ll have two. (Just incase I kill another one. I always have a back up plan – clever me). Shit hold on, Im going to check if the thing hasn’t pegged.
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SHEW!!!! It breathes. All is well in the world.

14.06- Lay on the couch and watched the fish eat another fish. Did you know some fish are carnivorous? Yes? Oh. I didn’t. I nearly died. Called house owner in a huge panic. Sure she thinks Oh my god, I have a moron watchin over my babies.

15.00- Came online to see who was on… I still haven’t left. Is that bad? I think we should form a support group for eachother. Although, come to think of it, we’d probably become addicted to that too. shit. Its better than drugs I suppose. At least I dont steal from anyone to be online… unless you count my company 3g card personal usage as stealing…? Hmmm. Dont answer that.

In between all of these very exciting events, I mxited. Do you have mxit? Isn’t it fun? I love it. So much more practical than sms. Firstly, its cheaper, which works for my whole self control phone bill issue. secondly, my brain cannot get over the fact that you can actually do the whole chat thing on your phone. That is so extremely cool. When I read a reply I just have to scroll up to see what I wrote if I can’t remember, instead of having to go out of inbox, open sent items, look for appropriate reciprient, read sms. fantastic invention, mxit is. it even has smileys. They deserve medals, the guys who thought it up. Well done. If you dont have mxit, go get it. I said so.

Alright, I am officially retiring. i would apologise for my ramblings, but hey, its my blog. Im writing to keep myself entertained. If you dont like it, hit the back button. If you do, leave me a comment and tell me what a chop i am. Its ok, I can take it.

The Silent Cave Mode…

Mar 22, 2007, 22:35
I’ve spoken about Silence and I not being friends before. Silence scares me. I’m the type of girl that has the radio, TV, ipod and microwave going all at once, just so that the silence is shut out. Silence is scary. It makes you think. Thinking is dangerous for my health. It’s easier to be busy and distracted than it is to sit in a corner and wallow…

Once upon a time there was a girl.

She grew up way faster than she should have. Despite going through various different stages of abuse in her childhood, and later in a relationship, she became a survivor instead of a victim. It was a good thing she had skin as thick as two planks, because she could’ve been dangerously close to suicide in the really bad times.

Then she fell pregnant & her baby girl kept her going for a long time, having someone else to take care of was easier than taking care of herself.

But then that baby died, and she nearly wanted to die too.

She became reclusive, staying at home instead of being with her friends, lying to her family, just to be alone. Having the curtains drawn 24hours a day in a room that had locks on the doors and windows, just so no one could get in, this provided her a solace she had never known. This was her safe place, her freedom, her cave mode. A place where no one could get in to hurt her, yet the demons from before would never be allowed to get out & escape this way either. A catch 22 situation. Never good for anybody.

One day, while watching a documentary on TV – something macabre made her laugh. Something so disgusting and cruel and she laughed. And couldn’t stop laughing. Her family looked at her as if she had finally cracked after 6 months of being an absolute zombie. She just couldn’t stop laughing. I think she had to laugh, because if she didn’t, that would mean she’d cry, and to cry admits defeat, finality, end, death. She couldn’t accept death. Death would not do.

She wakes up from a dream she can’t remember, except for a voice telling her it was ok to forget, to forgive, to cry. To mourn. Finally, she weeps. Bucket loads. It was to be her baby’s first birthday, and instead of blowing out candles, she was blowing her nose. A friend arrives with cake as a good gesture, and instead of feeling grateful, she feels ill. It wasn’t meant to be this way.

To her hearts content, she empties it all out and never once takes a second to think about how she shouldn’t, couldn’t do this. It wasn’t her. She lay in bed at night and practiced being unbrave. During the day she was numb. Numb was safe. But Safe was dull though, and no matter how hurt and angry this girl was, she was not, and would never be, dull.

It took a while for anybody to break her shell, and when she finally did let someone in, he hurt her too. She lost a best friend, boyfriend, lover and partner all in one person, all in one day. He lied to her heart, he robbed her soul, he killed her trust. All in a moment, her life as she knew it, changed. She changed.

Eventually, though, she decided enough was enough. Enough emptiness. She got out of bed, got a job, went out for a coffee, saw a movie, went home and smiled in the mirror.

I’m proud of that girl. I’m proud she had the balls to get up and live again. I’m proud that she laughs again. I’m even prouder to call her me.

So screw you to that person who suggested I need to toughen up. I’m tougher than you’ll ever be, tougher than you’d ever wish to hope to be. I’m everything I ever wanted to be as a person, all my flaws and fuck ups included. I’m far from perfect, but I love that. Who would want to be perfect? How fucking boring would that be?

How many other people out there do you know can say that about themselves? So shut the fuck up and learn from the master. How to be tough 101 – Sheena Style. Asshole.

Boys vs Girls

I know so many people like me who hate this dating game, so why then do we still do it? It complicates the hell out of a friendship, destroys ego’s, ruins reputations and forces you to act in the most insane ways.

A guy can smile at me and in less than 2.4 seconds my knees cave in, i feel light headed, i get giddy and this annoying feeling in my pelvis just pops out of nowhere – almost as if its having convulsions, while my stomache is hosting a WWF gold belt arena match. This just for a smile. Can you imagine when he offers to hold my hand and just SIT with me?

How lame can you be?

I should blame myself for being such a soft hearted fruit cake, but you know what, fuck it. They sweet talk you into believing that maybe, just maybe, this guy is for real. They inevitably end up being assholes to you in some way or another. So from now on I’m a lesbian. At least with a girl they don’t have a piece of equipment between their legs that does the thinking for them.

You know what, I am sick of men. Im sick, sick, sick. And when I’m not sick, I’m tired. I am sick and tired of their shit.

Men suck.

The End.

You Gotta love the dutchies…

Mar 28, 2007, 10:54
I love the dutchmen! I have never had an English boyfriend. Much to my step daddys dismay.

He is a proper English oke. And cringes harder with each boy i bring home. Kev has a pretty huge intimidation thing going with these guys, and me having four brothers doesnt exactly make the new bf feel very comfy in my home.

They all get called the same thing: Rocky. For Rock spider, dunno why. The fact that the last guy, J, did actually have a tattoo of a spider crawling down his arm was just too much for my boys to cope with… they laughed and laughed and made him feel like he was the coolest thing since ice packs. Poor guy, he didnt stand a chance.

This was two years ago, and despite breaking up, J and I are still best friends. I love him, and always will. My next bf needs to accept that or we wont happen, thats how much he means to me. But, in this crazy family of mine, we now have an entire language of J’isms that we throw at eachother in jest.

This morning, my brother came into my flat looking for something but wouldnt tell me what… eventually after a few mins he looks at me, the scratches his head, looking at the wall, rubbing his foot along the floor and swaying gently side to side, my baby brother (who is only just 18 ) struggles to get passed the red flush in his cheeks, and looks down to the floor and almost silently whispers “i have a thing with this one chic tonight, and uhhhmmm, i need condoms.”

I had to roll up my chin from the floor, and sit down. Where was I when he found out his willy wasnt just for peeing?, as my friend would say…

Was expecting a long story of how My brother has found everlasting love etc… to justify his quest for rubber, but instead a J’ism comes out: I’m so easy, i take my clothes self off.

I promptly fell off the couch laughing.

Turns out the love of all things sexual runs in the family.

Quality, not quantity…

I heard a theory once, and tried to put it into practice…

I think it came from a movie or something, but one of my brothers explained it to me when i had decided to live again. I had a chat with him and explained all about how it was time to get myself a man and relearn all about relationships and commitment…

So he tells me there is a plan of action every human on earth needs to take when thinking along the lines of my most recent dumbest idea ever, to start a relationship you need to get a plant. If u can commit yourself and make it live by being a tree hugging plant grower, you are ready for a relationship.

I tried this out, and here is my version of his theory:

1. Buy a plant.

The plant step is kinda self efficient in its own right. Doesnt require much attention, talk back or expect you to play with it. All you need to do is feed it water, put it out in the sun and let it grow.

After 3 weeks if your plant is still green, you’ve done something right. 3 weeks is long enough to tell if the plant will die. Trust me, I know this. I repeated step one 4 times. Just remember not to drown the fucker like i kept doing! After 3 weeks, you still see greeness and life? Take a look at putting no. 2 into action.

2. Get a dog.

Your dog will love you unconditionally, even when you walk around the house naked and he sees all your cellulite. This gives you self confidence, teaches you how to accept compliments, you will care for and love again, and you’ll eventually learn how to have bedroom manners, because if you do carry on legs spread making a bed angel while dreaming, snoring with your mouth wide open letting all the drool run down your pillow, your dog WILL lick it off and then probably curl up on your chest. Which makes things pretty stuffy and funky smelling.

If after a couple of weeks your dogs ribs are not visible, he has a shiny coat and still wags his tail at you when your car arrives home, you may now resume to step 3.

3. Obtain a Partner.

Believe it or not, this is actually easier than step 1 or 2. Although you do use the same method as step 2.

The trick is getting a quality partner. Any Tina, Jane or Sally can get just any guy… its only the Veronica’s or Julia’s that can manage finding a QUALITY guy.. Your biggest mission in life right now is becoming a Veronica or Julia. Don’t even let that oke in the corner of the bar come near you. Chances are if he’s alone wearing an oddball hat and funny jumpers – he’s a freak. My guess is he likes to watch you spank the monkey on his mates uncles brothers wifes cousin. STAY. AWAY. from the corner dwellers! Quality okes usually hang out in coffee shops sitting in front of their laptops, or walk their dogs on a lazy sunday afternoon on the beach, or the guy playing with the puppies in the shopping centre pet shop while waiting for his Mommy to finish window shopping. Those are the ones to look out for.

Now once you find your quality oke, the easy part should kick in. Feed him his favourite meal once a week in between take out and pizza so his ribs are not visible. You could check this by making him lift his arms up & if he doesnt fall through his asshole, you’re making a good enough effort. Supply him with copious amounts of time to bond with his ps2. A man is happy and obliging when you allow him this one small treat and sacrifice. It will also ensure that his tail wags when you need it to (you know which one I’m talking about, yes, that one – the one eyed custard chucker). This works for both of you, he’s happy to stay at home and get square eyes while you get to go shopping with the girls. Or with your token gay friend. (Did you know they make the best shopping partners? I love taking Leon with me, he is borderline bitchy in his honesty, but you know you’re gonna walk out with the best choices).

Step 4. Hope like hell your Quality guy doesn’t share the same tastes as some of my ex boyfriends had:

- Bums, particularily, male bums
- A foot fetish. That can get pretty annoying. Some girls just dont like having their toes licked and sucked into oblivion. (Yeah, that relationship lasted four days…)
- A taste for alcohol. And lots of it. Even at 9am on a Tuesday while you are working. Your booze cabinet WILL take a beating
- If you fall pregnant, UNFUCKINGPLANNED YOU SHITHEAD, he might decide to pull a houdini trick on you and disappear miraculously
- Develope an unusual fondness of your girlfriends.

If your man does share any resemblance of these traits, take my theory and shove it his arse, two doors to the left.